Saturday, December 25, 2010

2010 Wrap-Up

What to say about 2010? 2010 was an interesting year. Major ups. Major downs. New friends. Old friends. Births. Deaths. And pretty much everything else. This year was definitely like a roller coaster. I started the year thinking that I was going to move to Los Angeles and live happily ever after with one of my best friends. Turns out life had other plans. Not only did that great adventure crash and burn, but I nearly lost one of my best friends from it. I DID lose one of my best friends from it for a while. Picking up and moving across the country is an insane idea, especially when you know no one over there (well... 2 people), and you have to leave your kid behind temporarily. Definitely the hardest thing I have ever had to do. Funny thing about it is that I think it tested my limits and what I can handle. I find I am much stronger than I thought.

After going through all of that I found myself living with someone who I never thought I would. My new best friend... she knows who she is. And it was amazing how close you can get to someone inside of two months. I cried when she left. Both times. (That's another story). I have no idea where I would be this year without her. She is the person that keeps me grounded, knocks me down when my head gets a little too big, and tells me when my bitch mode is getting a tad too out of hand. I do have to say I don't think that is even possible, but whatever. So I thank her for that.

Struggling for a job, soaring through AOD, new staff, new friends, old friends butting their heads into my life again... all of it was so worth it. Even with all the struggles financially, emotionally, and physically... I think 2010 has been a damn good year. I'm not sure I would change anything. No... I know I wouldn't change anything. This year was definitely a great one, one for growing... and I laugh just thinking back on it.

So.... how to close out this email...

To all my friends: I am so thankful for all of you and I can't wait to see what madness and debauchery we can get ourselves into in 2011.

To all my enemies, haters, and Facebook stalkers: Fuck you! God that feels good.

And to my grandmother who is no longer here... miss you Gma! Love you!

and to 2011.... Bring it on!

Thursday, November 25, 2010

World's Weirdest Sex Toys

I had the urge to know what some of the freaks in our world had come up with in the world of sex toys. So I googled it... naturally. Google knows all after all. I was quite amazed by some of the things people come up with. I guess you gotta get it somewhere... right?

1. Artificial Hymen
Yes... you heard me correctly. An artificial hymen. The sex-toy company Gigimodo invented this little thing. Apparently it is to either relive your cherry poppin' moment or to make someone believe you are a virgin. Now why you would want to do EITHER of those things is beyond me... but apparently that is what it is for. It's made of fake blood and a plastic bag. Both of which I just hope and pray will go up into my lady bits... (kidding of course). Either way... this ones a big no for me!

2. Head O' State Obama Sex Toy

When I look at President Obama I do not see something I want to shove up my vadge. I mean, seriously people? That's fucked up even for the best of us. Now make me a Johnny Depp dildo any day, but Obama... no. This even comes in two different colors of Democratic Blue and Presidential Gold for the low price of $34.95.

3. Cup Nude

Now this is just disturbing. When I think of a a cup of noodles... I never would have though... we should make this a sex toy type of thing. but it is. And it even has "Gently Acid Lotion". The word Acid should never be put on your genitals. So this one is a 10 on the weird scale!

4. Hello Kitty Vibrator

This is just wrong. It was first shown as a neck massager, but really... look at it. I want to know how this was suppose to be a neck massager and how they didn't expect all those kinky asian girls to use this another way. It's just disturbing that its hello kitty. Seriously... freaks me out.

5. The Concubine Masturbator

This is quite interesting. It's got everything! Even untamed pubs! The least they could do is make it into a cool little design. But either way, this little device is quite interesting. I have nothing else to say on this matter.

So there are five funny, crazy, and downright weird sex toys. Enjoy this... I did.

Happy Thanksgiving

It's one of those days where you feel the need to tell everyone you are thankful for them. Maybe because its Thanksgiving Day... but I don't think it is necessary to say it. The people that are closest to you don't need to hear it, as you should be showing them in your every day actions, while the ones that don't matter don't matter. I do however wish there were a few other people around today to enjoy the holidays with. My dad for one. Unfortunately he is too far away to be able to spend it with. My family up in Michigan... one of these days I'll get vacation around a holiday and be able to join them. My two grandfathers who unfortunately are no longer here and just have to watch from up above. And a few other choice people who know who they are.

I can tell you that a four day weekend has been very nice so far (only one day in) and I am looking forward to relaxing and just spending some time with the family and my beautiful child through this weekend. To all my friends and family, you mean the world to me and I love you. Now... back to the posts that are inappropriate.

Monday, November 22, 2010

What's that Feeling?

Forbidden. That's the word most people would use in any given situation where you shouldn't want something, but you do, and you have to fight going after it. Life sucks when you find yourself in that situation. Sometimes its just something you want; others it is something you really need. When it comes to a person, is it lust or love? Sometimes those lines blur. What if its someone you have known for a long time? Does that make it different? Can you simply lust after someone you know so well. I wonder. Maybe its just one of those situations where you really want something only because its something you can't have. I've been there. I think every person with a pulse has.

I find myself in a situation where I can't seem to figure out which way is up. I dig myself a hole and instead of trying to climb out I seem to be the one pulling dirt in around me. Do I really want to be stuck? Now, I'm not saying it's love. At least not the can't eat, can't sleep, reach for the stars, world series kind of stuff (It Takes Two reference). But I'm also not saying its not love. It's hard to tell when it's someone so far away. If I could just lay my hand on his chest, hear him say my name, or look into his eyes... I'd know. It may seem silly to think that such a small act could have such a huge response, but its true. It's not rocket science. People try to force things so much, but its all natural. You'll know. If you don't know... then it's not right.

Every part of me is pulling in the direction of right. My chest aches when I think about him, I get butterflies, and I find myself checking my phone to see if he's around. That's not normal for anybody. I find myself trying to avoid people more so than waiting for them. I'll never say it directly to him, but it hurts not knowing. Do you ever get that feeling that you care more so than they do? Because I get that feeling a lot lately.

I'm not stupid... I know I'm setting myself up for failure here. I know that in the end, there is a 95% chance that I will be the one crushed all over again. Yes, I said all over again. Meaning this would not be the first time this said individual tripped me... but last time he didn't catch me. I read a quote not long ago and it kind of fits this situation. Sometimes you have to simply enjoy the fall, even if you know there is nobody there to catch you. Nothing could be more true. I want to enjoy it, but it's hard. I may or may not have shed a tear or two regarding this situation. I won't admit to anything, because I don't cry.

In general, this person means the world to me. I would take a bullet for them in a heartbeat. I will gladly lie through my teeth if it makes their life easier.You know what I mean.... smile and say you're happy for them when really all you want to do is scream for them to pick you. I wish it was that easy. Either way, I'm too far gone to come back now. The thought of him makes me smile, I feel a weight lift off me when I talk to him, and I think he is pretty close to perfect, well... with all his imperfections. We may not get along all the time and we don't always agree on things, but making up is half the fun, right? It all sums up right here... I love him. How exactly? I'll get back to you on that....

Sunday, November 14, 2010

Kama Sutra: The Hot, The Not, and the WTF!

It's been a while, and I thing the only way to make up for it is to post some of the best sexual positions I could find. Some I've tried, Some I've never, and some I'm not sure I would try.... Aw hell, who am I kidding. I'll try it all. So here it is... some of the best!

1. The Tight Squeeze: Now this is fairly basic and I think everyone has tried it at one point or another. The key is to clench and cross. Clench your legs, and cross your ankles. And let the guy go to work. Imagine the stimulation there! Hell yeah!

2. Standing Tiger/Crouching Dragon: Now this just deserves to be on the list because of the name. It is amazing. It's kind of a typical doggie style, but the guy is standing up and you are kneeling on the bed. Sounds like a good time to me. And you have perfect access to your doorbell.

3. Hang Ten: This one seems fairly easy, but I can honestly say, I've never done it. You would be at the perfect angle and still be able to rest your body against your knees. The guy gets the hands on the hips and control, while you can chill and enjoy the feeling. 

4. The Dirty Dangle: This one doesn't seem to do much for me if I may say so. It's suppose to intensify the feeling because of the blood rushing to your head, but it just gives me a headache. We shall see what you guys think.

5. The Couch Canoodle: This one seems fun! It's girl on top, which is always a good change of pace, but bent over backwards to dangle off the bed a bit, causing him to be able to hit all the good spots inside. Yes please!

6. Mover and Shaker: That's right... everyone wants to have sex on a washing machine. The difference with this is that you are not on it... you are over it. You simply lean over and put your body tightly up against it and turn it on while your guy tucks himself up behind you. The stimulation from your guy as well as the vibrations and cycle changes from the washer are sure to blow your mind.

7. Pleasure Pick-Me-Up: Now you have to have one strong guy to pull this off because there is nothing helping him support you. No wall or anything. He is simply holding you up and thrusting away (hopefully). You are literally dangling at his every orgasmic whim. Sounds nice, right?

8. The Lusty Leg Lift: I will give good money to see this in action, because I ain't gonna lie, I can't do it. I am pretty flexible when it comes to sex, but there is no way. This is amazing though, and if I could, I would. Thoughts?

And there they are. A big thanks to Cosmo for being as filthy as ever and I absolutely love it. Until next time... have sex! 

The Nova Echo

As everyone knows, I am a walking, talking advertisement for the band The Nova Echo. You should all know as much about them as possible. They are amazing after all. Not just amazing musicians, but amazing people as well. I haven't had a chance to share this on my blog yet, so I thought I would. This video blew me away. I know what they are capable of (sometimes I have to convince a few of them that they are better than even they think) and I didn't even expect this. So here is their newest (and first) music video for their song Titan, which came out a little over a week ago.

Make sure to check them out online at their Official Website and MySpace as well as their YouTube Page!

Sunday, October 10, 2010

Sappy Love Shit...

I'm in one of those lovey dovey moods so I figured I would post some quotes I've found about that "can't eat, can't sleep" feeling when you are in Looooooove. That bullshit. So here they are... in all their ooey gooey glory.

"How come you have enough time to go out and make other girls fall in love with you, but you don't have enough time to pay attention to the girl who already is."

"You really know you love someone when all you want is for them to be happy, even if that means you are not a part of it."

"We are afraid to care too much, for fear that the other does not care at all."

"Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love." - Albert Einstein

That's enough of that.... I can't take anymore. End lovey dovey mood.

Monday, September 13, 2010

Sexual Questions by Cosmo

Cosmo is my new manual. I used to swear against it because it was just so... girly... but oh man I love it! I've made sure to get the last few issues and its freakin awesome. It even brings me closer to my coworkers. Funny story... so I'm sitting at my desk today reading an article called "100 Crazy, Dirty Sex Questions (Answered in 20 Words or Less)" and I decide to share a few with my co-worker Toren. Yes... he's a guy. And soon we find ourselves in this ongoing conversation about penises, vaginas, animal sex, and all the stuff in between. SO I figured I would share a few of my favorites... and his... and then you will have enough incentive to go pick up the October issue... (Pictured above with the lovely Lauren Conrad on the cover). 

(And commentary by me)

2. If you have a bigger clitoris, is it easier to orgasm? Nope. Every clitoris has the same number of nerve endings (8,000), so they're equally sensitive. (No wonder they call it a 'doorbell' You push it and someone comes! HAHA)

8. Is there a subtle way to spit out semen after oral sex? Not really. Use a tissue or go to the bathroom if it's nearby. (REALLY!? If you are going to do the deed at least finish the job! Swallow it and live with it! It's protein... good for you! Just be careful... according to question number 31, semen has 36 calories per teaspoon. So if you are watching your weight....)

18. Why is semen so gooey? (HAHA... this makes me laugh!) So it can stick to the back of the vagina, where the sperm need to go to make a baby. (Tell me that doesn't make you laugh... except the 'make a baby' part. Been there... done that. No more anytime soon!)

22. What's the smallest penis ever recorded? Five-eigths of an inch. (Now you are probably thinking what I am thinking... how old was this person? BUT... I did some research and it turns out that there really are disorders that cause little willy syndrome. 1. Micropenis (simple I know...) is where most of the penis is INSIDE the body. 2. Congenital Hypoplasia: the glands of the penis are attached directly to the pubis, therefore causing a lack of a shaft. So say thanks to for that answer.)
23. Can a guy break his penis, since its not a bone? Yep. It usually happens when it forcefully hits another object by accident (like your pelvic bone or the headboard). (Did you hear that ladies? It was the sound of all the men cringing in pain at the thought! HAHA! Anyway... they go on in number 24 to tell us "How do I know if it breaks? His penis will make a popping sound, and it will bruise almost immediately." And there is that cringing again. Very interesting though. At least I thought so.

36. Is it life-threatening for a guy to blow air up your vadge while going down on you or is that an urban legend? It's dangerous, since an air bubble could travel to your heart, causing a fatal embolism. (And that my friends is all the women cringing. Let me tell you something... let a man blow up my "vadge" and I will donkey kick his ass across the room as I grab my clothes and run for the hills! I wonder if that would be considered murder? You could probably totally get away with it too!)

38. Do animals (besides us) masturbal? Yes. Actually, a lot do. Deer and monkeys are just two examples. (DEER? Really? That would be something I would totally pay to see! Monkeys... I get. They are just like us) 39. Wait, even female animals? Uh-huh. Lady apes and monkeys have been observed using stick for solo sessions. (OWIE! That just sounds painful as shit! But again... something I would pay to see. Very interesting.)

59. Can a guy ejaculate and pee at the same time? Nope. Just before climax, the tube leading to his bladder seals off so semen can shoot through his penis. (Did they just say 'shoot'? I've got nothing...)

73. I've heard its unsafe to do it on a trampoline. Why? If things get bouncy, his penis can slip out and ricochet off the trampoline, breaking it. (I think I cringed at that one. RICOCHET... that is the word they chose to use. LOL. SO FUNNY! That goes right along with the "can his penis break" question from before. I can honestly say I never thought I would REALLY want to have sex on a trampoline anyway. 

98. Which animal has the longest penis? Whale penises clock in at 10 feet long. (And if you are like certain people in my life that don't believe Cosmo... Look HERE! But I warned you... that is definitely an X-rated file. And if my eyes are not playing tricks... I believe the man is holding a bag like he is going to catch the.... nevermind. Click the picture! 

And with that I shall wrap up my Cosmo Sexual Questions blog. Gotta love it. That is only a few of the 100 they listed... and by God they are funny so go buy Cosmo and read it! Guys... you are allowed to as well. Cuz it is very beneficial to you too! It's like a manual to women! (As all the men flock to the news stands). So on that... have a very sexual day. 

** As I am writing this blog my friend... who we shall call L.... IMs me with "I find the phrase 'Loading Skin' disturbing..." and I collapse in a fit of hysterics. Thanks L!**

"Shit My Dad Says..."

If you haven't heard about this book... you need to go buy it. I'm going to asap! Justin Halpern started a twitter page to list all the stuff his 74 year old father says to him. The thing grew into mass proportions (Currently he has over 1.5 million followers) and apparently it encouraged him to write a book. Now there is EVERYTHING in this book. So again... I was already thinking of picking it up... when I open my brand new issue of Cosmo this morning at work... (October has Lauren Conrad on the front... love her!) and there is an article called "Shit My Dad Says... About Women and Sex". And it's all stuff out of this new book that involve Women and Sex. I laughed reading some of this shit. It is hilarious! So here is a few pieces from the Cosmo article.

On Getting a Job as a Cook at Hooters
"You, my good man, are not as dumb as I first fucking suspected."

On Friendship
"You've got good friends. I like them. I don't think they would fuck your girlfriend, if you had one."

On Finding My Porn Stash
"You shouldn't have left that porno in our VCR. Your penis betrayed you, son. Made you think stupid. It won't be the last time that happens."

Now if you don't think any of that is funny... what the hell are you doing on my blog? Seriously... its funny and I think you should totally go buy the book. I'm just sayin'. Go buy it... and Cosmo... cuz Cosmo is amazing. Right now... go... I'm waiting...

Thursday, September 9, 2010

The Nova Echo's new EP!

As you all know, I am a HUGE Nova Echo fan! They are fan-freakin-tastic and it just so happens, that they have released a brand new EP. Best part about it? It's free! Yes, you heard me... FREE!!! So I would highly recommend you swing on over to their website and buy it. The link is below. And share it with your friends. It's free music so you can download it and enjoy it and share it and nobody pays a dime. ALTHOUGH... it would be great that if you do love it... you can swing over to their website and donate to them the amount you feel it is worth. So do it... for me... please...

Download the new EP here!
Check them out on Myspace here!

Sunday, August 8, 2010

Affairs among friends

It bothers me when people mess with my friends. Like... really pisses me off. So when it effects my relationship with my friends... it REALLY pisses me off. The fact that I have to make an appointment with my friend because he fears for his life... PISSES me off! I mean really... I'm not afraid of you. I'm not afraid of what you THINK you could do. Just know... if you continue to make my life... as well as my friends life... hell. I will have no choice but to destroy you. I don't like you. I don't like the things you do. You piss me off. So do me a favor and stay away from me. Thanks.

The sexual rating system...

The sexual rating system always seems to turn to food. A dear friend of mine, who shall remain nameless, turned me on to this little rating system. It also has to do with everyone thinking that sex needs to be compared to food. No idea where it came from, but I'm going to run with it. The female-ice cream sexual rating system... continue on...

Vanilla ice cream. It's good... it gets the job done... but sometimes it just needs something. Sprinkles... mixings... a little chocolate syrup (oh the ideas!). Either way... vanilla is boring. Who wants plain 'ol vanilla ice cream? I mean... it better have some freakin spunk to it. Vanilla means YOU are boring, for those boys reading this. It means you better find a way to work with your manhood or it ain't gonna get any for much longer.

Chocolate Ice Cream. Now this is a whole different story. Chocolate is calming and yummy. It's... delicious. It's not boring. It could be spruced up with some ingredients... but its good plain. It definitely gets the job done and makes you want a second serving.

Now... a friend of mine said that chocolate ain't good enough. Rocky Road is apparently the best. I've never had anything I would consider Rocky Road so by all means, if you know where I can find it, let me know. Because it sounds delicious! Either way... this goes along with black scrunchies. Mind blowing sex! Yes... please!

And with that... I'm going to go eat some ice cream!

The Scrunchie System

If you are wondering what the hell I am talking about... then this post is for you. If you don't recall, a long time ago I blogged about scrunchies... a LOOOOONG time ago. If you missed it... check it out here! It's very VERY vague though. Actually, it's like 3 words. But either way... I figured if you don't know the scrunchie system... you deserve to. So here is the breakdown.

The Scrunchie System (TSS) is a guide for girls to know when it is safe to enter your friends room/hotel room. The color scrunchie on the door will let you know whether you want to enter or not. So here it is... read carefully.

Yellow: This is more of a caution than a do not enter. Yellow means that one or more of the occupants are topless. So you might get a flash of tit... or you may just seem a topless male. At this stage it is fairly safe to enter still.

Pink: I love pink. Pink is the stage where you have made the decision that it is going to farther than just a heated make out session, but you aren't quite to the stage of penetration yet. It's that 'we're almost naked' and 'hands roaming' stage. If you enter a room with a pink scrunchie on the door... be prepared to see private parts... because it is very possible.

Blue: You are entering the dark side. Blue means there is some intercourse happening. The good news is... if you were absolutely forced to enter... it would be normal, regular, boring sex. Missionary... something of that nature. So it wouldn't be hard to started the pair and have them cover up quickly. But still... do you want to walk in at all knowing they are booty ass naked?

Red: What does red normally mean? It means STOP! Think about what you are doing. If someone puts a red scrunchie on the door handle, do you really want to find out why? If you lean close enough you will probably hear it. This is some kinky positions... screaming... scratching... maybe a bit of biting... This means that the pair has entered the deep lust of not giving a shit if you walk in or not. They are humping like rabbits and don't care that you exist. It's hard core... hot... dirty talk... all the good shit.

Black: (I have to write in green because I can't write in black when black is the background) TURN AROUND AND RUN AWAY! If you have someone that is hanging black scrunchies on the door... it means that you DO NOT... I repeat... DO NOT want to know what is going on. This is down right dirty, kinky, nasty, fuckin'. That is all. No making love... No slow passionate moves. It is hard core... putting shit in places that it shouldn't be... bending in ways you only dream of... Sex. *Shivers* So do as you are told... and DO NOT enter.

So there you have it... the scale of scrunchies. The TSS system. So now you know if you walk by a hotel room or a door and see a scrunchie... keep walking. Or better yet... take it off. Then when there friends come and walk in... oh the laughs! I'm kidding. Respect the system because it works wonders when you are sharing a room with friends.

Until next time... hold on to your black scrunchies ladies... I'm not sure you can handle it.

Saturday, July 10, 2010

Little tingley things...

I know... I suck at blogging lately. But you have to admit that when I DO blog... and you come look at it... you get happy from the bright colors alone. It's quite pretty in my blog if you ask me. But anyway, on to the matter at hand.

I have tingles. It's been a while. Tingles are good. I love tingles. They won't stay, but hey... its fun while you get them. All you girls know EXACTLY what I'm talking about. All you boys remain oblivious. It's what your good at!

Short and sweet... more to come in a bit!


Friday, June 11, 2010

To whom it may concern:

Do you not think that it is creepy that you know so much about me? Your life is centered around my facebook and twitter. That is weird. It shouldn't matter who I am friends with or if we have mutual friends. People like me for a reason. You may not... but the thing is... I don't care. You don't like me because of things you think you know. You've never met me and truthfully... it doesn't matter if I ever do meet you. Your first impression is ruined. "You'll get along fine when you meet." means little to me. Sorry honey... one chance is all you get. It's why it is called a first impression. Second impressions mean nothing.

Maybe if you spent more time concentrating on yourself and your life situations than you do on me, that maybe things in your life would go the way you want them. Your friends wouldn't have to tell me that you pissed them off or your obsessing over stupid shit. I wouldn't have to be that persons venting board.

We are adults, so act like it. Grow up, concentrate on yourself and let me be. I could care less about you. You are like the evil stepsisters in Cinderella. Always telling her she isn't good enough and picking on her. So you are the evil stepsisters... and guess what? Cinderella wins.

I'm baaaack

Oh how you've missed me. Life took over... as I stated before... and kicked my ass for a while. But I am back. I have so many amazing things going on. I have some of the best friends I can ask for and more join the force every day. Most of my besties have come from Artists On Demand or AOD related things. Nikki and Vicky took me under their wing when they hardly knew me. We've grown and become close and I couldn't love them more. We've had our ups and downs and adventures (big huge ass bridges in Louisiana and weeks on end living together). Somehow we always pull through and end up stronger than ever. I love them for that.

Ashleigh. Oh Ashleigh. I love your face! You are awesome and I couldn't ask for a better venting buddy. Every time I get mad or pissed of at life or parents or exes... you are there. My Skype buddy for life and fellow TV show lover. The Hills, SYTYCD, and any other show we feel like watching... always fun to blog with you.

All my AOD girls and friends... Monkey girls included. Ya'll will always be a part of my life no matter if Monkeys, Echos, or AOD is around. (AOD will be around... just saying). Life has given me things... a fantastic job and a boss that is awesome. (Gotta love wearing flip flops to work), a daughter who is growing so fast and amazes me every day, parents that support me when I am struggling, and of course... Backstreet Boys concerts. HAHAHA. I love life and even though sometimes it feels like its kicking my ass.... I always win. I am THE bitch and I will always win. Remember that!

~Kristin~ (aka That AOD bitch)

Saturday, May 29, 2010


So it appears that life has taken over and I have failed at blogging. Artists On Demand has taken off and keeps me busy a majority of the time. I am now working a full time job Monday through Friday. Although I love it... I'm busy. But this is just a quick blurb to let you know that I'm alive and well and I will try and blog more. :D


Friday, March 5, 2010

Florida to L.A. and back again...

On February 1st, one of my best friends, who all of you should know well, Nikki, and myself made a 4 day road trip across the U.S. to the west coast. Where you ask would we be going... Los Angeles. Lost Angeles.... the city of high maintenance, blonde hair, and fake boobs. It seemed to be going well... and then suddenly money was dwindling... no money was coming in... and I missed my kid more than I craved air to breath. So taking in my friends being nearby, a good place for AOD to grow, and an all around fun city.... or my child and the familiarity of home. In those list... the only thing that stood out was my child. So I made the decision and bought a plane ticket, spent hundreds of dollars shipping some of my belongings, and saying goodbye to things I was growing use to... and came back to Florida.

Now I miss California and everything it offered and the bright warm sunshine. Venice beach was really nice too... the culture is amazing. But the smile on my daughter's face when I stepped out of the car was priceless. She has me attached to her hip and won't let me out of her site, but I would rather have it that way than not seeing her. She looks as if she has grown a ton and I am so excited to see her. So even though I might be missing out on stuff out in L.A... there is nothing saying I can't go back and nothing saying I won't go back. Afterall... I did make a promise. And I am getting to be with Payton. All in all... a good decision.

Saturday, January 2, 2010

Los Angeles...

I never would have said I would be the type to up and move to Los Angeles. I don't want to be an actress. I don't want to be a singer. I don't want to be anything the normal bunch of people who migrate there want to be. My dream job... President or Vice President of Celebrity Talent. That would be awesome. It's just a glorified (and well paid) booking agent. That would be fun. I would love that job. But for now... I am going to work my way up the corporate ladder.

If you haven't caught on yet... I am moving to Los Angeles, California. I am going to be a Californian. This should be interesting. I am uprooting myself from everything I know and am comfortable with and moving 3000 miles away. The worst part... I am doing the same thing to my beautiful daughter. Her family is here... her grandparents, father, aunt, godmother, and friends. Everything she knows is Florida and I have made the tough decision to go. I will have to leave her behind for a little while. That sounds horrible, I know. But I have made a deal with her father that I would leave her here for no more than 2 months to give myself time to get out there, settle down, and then him and my mom will bring her out to me.

Two months without Payton. I am not sure what I will do with myself. Sometimes I get to the point where I am happy to send her to her father's for the night to get a good nights sleep or a few moments peace... but I would never and have never considered two months. That is a long time. No hugs... no kisses... no "Mommy"... none of that. Silence. That might be the most heartbreaking, throbbing silence of my life. I keep telling myself... it's for the best... it's for the best... it's for the best... and by God I hope it is. That is my baby... my life... my world. She is the reason I get up in the morning and the reason I work as hard at the things I do. I want her to have everything I didn't have and everything she could ever dream of. I want her to do whatever it is she wants to do in life and never have to go without. This is going to be my opportunity to give that to her and for the life of me... I can't turn that down. No matter how hard it may be. I thank God her father is being cooperative and allowing me to take her out there with me. I wouldn't be going if I couldn't. I COULD NOT LEAVE HER FOR GOOD.

We are having her birthday party on Jan 30th. Dora and Diego themed... I think I might know every word to Diego. It's all we ever watch anymore. I can't stop watching her. I watch her play, eat, just sit and watch TV, and I can't help but look over at her now as she sleeps. I think I am trying to memorize every little detail... afraid I might forget if I don't. I'm ok if I don't talk about it. As soon as I let the idea of driving away without her... knowing I am not coming back... enter my head... I'm done. I can't hold the tears back.

It's going to be ok. Just... I don't want to leave her. I have to. I made promises and its for the best. It's to make her life better. I miss her already. I love you Payton Nichole Ann Bonino. Always know that.

L.A. is going to be good to us.