Friday, August 24, 2012

Weekly Rant!

TOPIC 1: Let me start with some random ramblings. Some of the Colorado victim shooting victims and/or their families have hired Jose Baez to represent them in their civil suit against the movie theater. For those who do not watch the news (or live under a rock), Jose Baez is the one that got Casey Anthony off from murder. You know... Casey "I swear I dropped my kid at the babysitter but miraculously her dead body popped up a mile from my house" Anthony. Let's not even get me started on that case. So anyway, they are suing the movie theater. Because... you know... it was CLEARLY the movie theaters fault that some doctoral student who couldn't keep his head in the game went WAY off his rocker and shot up a movie theater. It was there fault that he went out and came back in with a gun. What else would you have liked them to do? He didn't walk through the front door with a machine gun strapped around him and they didn't just waive him in anyway. He went out the emergency exit. Mind you... I guarantee they are going to bring up some stupid thing that says "that door should only be for emergencies". Well duh! But had that door been locked, then someone would be suing the theater for the fact that the emergency exit couldn't be used in the event of a fire. It's not the theaters fault. It's that crazy dude who couldn't handle his life. Sue him. Sue his parents for bad genetics (that wouldn't be right either btw...). But do not sue the movie theater who did everything they could to help. Bad things happen. Sometimes there is nobody else to blame but the single individual who will never see the light of day again. Justice is being served. Suing the theater is not going to bring your brother, father, sister, friend, or child back. They will still be gone. Money might make you feel better for now, but that void is always going to be there. Why ruin the lives of others in the process? I don't get it. I think people are greedy. I don't blame them. I blame grief. It's a bitch.

Moving on...

TOPIC 2: Someone shot up outside the Empire State Building this morning. Some disgruntled worker I guess. Take a freakin zanax! Stop shooting each other! We all want our freedom... and people get so mad when the government talks about changing our gun laws, but we keep going around killing each other! By we... I mean all those crazy people (Not WE as in me and my readers). Seriously, take yoga... meditate... read a book.... listen to calming waves from the ocean... or take your anger out on a punching bag. Do NOT... I repeat DO NOT shoot up strangers in the street! What the hell did they do!?

TOPIC 3: Can we pleeeease stop talking about Kstew and Rpattz. I get it... they broke up. We are sad. Kstew screwed up. She KNOWS! You do not have to remind her every day of her life! I'm certain she is sad enough. People make mistakes. Nobody would care if she wasn't your precious Bella dating the beautiful Edward. The funny thing is that you don't hear about people ripping Sanders. Is that his last name? Rupert, right? I hear so little about him I don't even know if I have his name right. The married man with 2 kids she trotted off with! Why do we not hear about him? It's not like Kstew drugged him and forced him to cheat. He is just as guilty! He is MARRIED! Kristen was in a relationship but he is MARRIED. With KIDS! Come on! How is that not worse!? I'm a firm believer that people can change. Stop bringing up the same shit. Let them heal and try to move on or grow from it.

Until next week...

To Fake a Smile...

There has been so much going on lately that I literally have the urge to scream and pull my hair at the same time. You ever have one of those weeks where it starts out.... God... so fucking good. You literally can not imagine things getting better... and then you go and do something ridiculously stupid and it crumbles around you? Yeah... you know what I mean. Well... to sum up the end of my week, I feel as though I am officially standing on the rubble that once was the perfection of my life. Yeah... that bad.

So we are going to talk about life. My life to be exact. A little back story to start. Life is not always easy. Obviously. I don't have to preach that. I've been in many relationships before. Whether those be actual relationships with men, friendships, or acquaintances. Either way you look at it, some of those blossom and some of them fall apart. There was a time that me and my bestie absolutely hated each other. Now I can't imagine life without her. I'm fairly certain we will ram each other with our wheelchairs later in life. A lot of my relationships in the past have been... horrible. Some were good and then went bad. I don't think I've ever been in a relationship where it was good and ended good. I'm not use to things being good. Every time things get good, I cover my head because I know something is about to fall out of the sky and hit me. The problem with my demented past is that it tends to creep up and ruin things for my future. I make a friend or get in a relationship and things start looking good and bam... before anything bad can happen, I fuck it up. Why? Because I was always trained that if you don't want to watch people leave, you leave first.

I know what you are thinking. This girl is mental! It's very possible. I might need medication or a nice jacket to help hug myself.

Then you meet people (my bestie is one) where you really want it to work out. You really want that relationship to stay a part of your life. So you adapt. It may take a while. You may screw up a few times. You may push so hard that the other person backs up even. The good thing is that sometimes they push back. They want to be in your life as much as you want them to. Sometimes, though, you push a bit too hard and there is nothing you can do but watch it fall apart. Recently, and no I am not going to name names... I pushed a bit too hard I think. And I'm not sure this person is going to push back.

You know that feeling you get when you are so sad. It can be when someone dies, when you break up, when you fight with your friend, argue with your parents, say something mean but not have meant it, whatever. That feeling in your chest where you feel like something is squeezing your heart, and probably your lungs. And you can not shake it. I hate that feeling. I have that feeling.

I want to clarify something to those people who I have shoved in the past, or in my present... I don't do it because I don't want you as a part of my life. It's like this horribly fucked up instinct in my brain that triggers. I would like to believe that I am growing as a person. I've made some adjustments in recent months of my life that I think make me a better person. I've brought people into my life (into meaning where I only let a select few) that make me a better person and make me want to be a better person. So if I shove you away or I do something crazy, know I don't mean it. I'm still working on the programming that makes me do these things. It's a hard habit to break, but I'm working on it. All I ask is that you don't give up on me. I don't love easily and I am damn sure aware that I am not easy to love. So when I do, I love hard. And if it's someone I have let into those inner barriers that I hold so near and dear to protecting myself, and they leave, it's like my breath is taken away. I get so sad. So sad.

I'm fairly good at pretending. I can go to work with a smile on my face, laugh with my coworkers or clients, and pretend like all is right in the world. But all girls know that we are the best at hiding our feelings when we want to. We can put our heart on our sleeve if we want, but if we don't want you to know how we are inside, you will never know.

A dear friend of mine recently told me that the phrase "too good to be true" is a hard one to combat. How are you suppose to win against that? How are you suppose to win someone over who is always thinking that there is something bad right behind the good? I never really looked at it like that. Maybe it's too late now though.

There are people in my life who I am so afraid of losing. I can't help but wonder if there are people who are afraid of losing me.

Friday, August 10, 2012

Do Men Really Listen?

Have you ever been sitting with your guy talking and you ask a question, he doesn't answer, and then turns to you with that dumb look? Yeah, most women have. Is it so hard to pay attention? Someone once tried to tell me that women's voices are at a higher octave than men's brains can comprehend. Sounds like something a man would make up.

Know what else drives me crazy? When you ask a man a question and they answer like this...

Me: Hey, do you want Chinese or Pizza for dinner?
Him: Yeah.
Me: ....

WHAT IS THE MATTER WITH YOU!? It was not a yes or no question. It was a choice that you had to make. And your answer is "yeah"? Could you get more annoying? Just answer the damn question. Pay attention. It is not that hard of a concept.

The funny thing is that they do this so often that you do not think they are EVER listening and then they shock you. You will talk about random stuff, things you want, things you love, etc, etc and you never think they are paying attention. But then.... BUT THEN.... they randomly pull it out of no where. Like... surprise you with a movie you've "Always wanted to see" or show up with a present of your all time favorite snack that you hardly ever get. Little things. It's always little things. Or they point out completely random things you do that you never noticed. So perceptive... yet when you TRY to talk to them they never pay attention.

I'll never understand men. It would be in your best interest to never try too hard to understand them. The mystery is more exciting anyway.


Getting "Old"

Let me start out by saying that I am by no means old. I am mid-twenties.... very soon to be late twenties. Ok... ok... I'm 26 and turning 27 on October 6th (Wish me Happy Birthday!). I had an entire conversation with a friend of mine about what "late" and "mid" twenties entailed. I stand by my opinion that late twenties starts at 27.

Anyway... back on topic. Has anyone ever hit a day where suddenly it occurs to you that you are behind schedule on things? For instance... I'm not married. I'm not even in a serious relationship. I am not on my way to the alter anytime soon. Yet, I can honestly say that if I am going to do that, I'd like to do it by 30. After that I'll feel like I'm a big loser.

Here is the question... Who on earth is going to marry me? Don't get me wrong... I think I'm fantastic. But my opinion is not the one that matters. It literally occurred to me that no matter how much I've already done in my life... I am extremely behind.

So how does one go about moving that forward? I'm not the type to go "look for a husband". That just seems a bit ridiculous. I don't like dating and I pretty much refuse to do it. Going out with complete strangers who could end up being weirdo's of epic proportions... not my idea of a good time. I already know what I want. The question is will I get it. Life says you don't always get what you want. I sure do hope I get it though. Life would be great. Hopefully it will happen. And if not... I suppose I shall sit and cry with my forty cats (I dislike cats). Check back in 3 years to find out if I turned into the cat lady... or if all my dreams (or some of them) came true.

And I'm out...