Monday, November 22, 2010

What's that Feeling?

Forbidden. That's the word most people would use in any given situation where you shouldn't want something, but you do, and you have to fight going after it. Life sucks when you find yourself in that situation. Sometimes its just something you want; others it is something you really need. When it comes to a person, is it lust or love? Sometimes those lines blur. What if its someone you have known for a long time? Does that make it different? Can you simply lust after someone you know so well. I wonder. Maybe its just one of those situations where you really want something only because its something you can't have. I've been there. I think every person with a pulse has.

I find myself in a situation where I can't seem to figure out which way is up. I dig myself a hole and instead of trying to climb out I seem to be the one pulling dirt in around me. Do I really want to be stuck? Now, I'm not saying it's love. At least not the can't eat, can't sleep, reach for the stars, world series kind of stuff (It Takes Two reference). But I'm also not saying its not love. It's hard to tell when it's someone so far away. If I could just lay my hand on his chest, hear him say my name, or look into his eyes... I'd know. It may seem silly to think that such a small act could have such a huge response, but its true. It's not rocket science. People try to force things so much, but its all natural. You'll know. If you don't know... then it's not right.

Every part of me is pulling in the direction of right. My chest aches when I think about him, I get butterflies, and I find myself checking my phone to see if he's around. That's not normal for anybody. I find myself trying to avoid people more so than waiting for them. I'll never say it directly to him, but it hurts not knowing. Do you ever get that feeling that you care more so than they do? Because I get that feeling a lot lately.

I'm not stupid... I know I'm setting myself up for failure here. I know that in the end, there is a 95% chance that I will be the one crushed all over again. Yes, I said all over again. Meaning this would not be the first time this said individual tripped me... but last time he didn't catch me. I read a quote not long ago and it kind of fits this situation. Sometimes you have to simply enjoy the fall, even if you know there is nobody there to catch you. Nothing could be more true. I want to enjoy it, but it's hard. I may or may not have shed a tear or two regarding this situation. I won't admit to anything, because I don't cry.

In general, this person means the world to me. I would take a bullet for them in a heartbeat. I will gladly lie through my teeth if it makes their life easier.You know what I mean.... smile and say you're happy for them when really all you want to do is scream for them to pick you. I wish it was that easy. Either way, I'm too far gone to come back now. The thought of him makes me smile, I feel a weight lift off me when I talk to him, and I think he is pretty close to perfect, well... with all his imperfections. We may not get along all the time and we don't always agree on things, but making up is half the fun, right? It all sums up right here... I love him. How exactly? I'll get back to you on that....

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