Saturday, January 2, 2010

Los Angeles...

I never would have said I would be the type to up and move to Los Angeles. I don't want to be an actress. I don't want to be a singer. I don't want to be anything the normal bunch of people who migrate there want to be. My dream job... President or Vice President of Celebrity Talent. That would be awesome. It's just a glorified (and well paid) booking agent. That would be fun. I would love that job. But for now... I am going to work my way up the corporate ladder.

If you haven't caught on yet... I am moving to Los Angeles, California. I am going to be a Californian. This should be interesting. I am uprooting myself from everything I know and am comfortable with and moving 3000 miles away. The worst part... I am doing the same thing to my beautiful daughter. Her family is here... her grandparents, father, aunt, godmother, and friends. Everything she knows is Florida and I have made the tough decision to go. I will have to leave her behind for a little while. That sounds horrible, I know. But I have made a deal with her father that I would leave her here for no more than 2 months to give myself time to get out there, settle down, and then him and my mom will bring her out to me.

Two months without Payton. I am not sure what I will do with myself. Sometimes I get to the point where I am happy to send her to her father's for the night to get a good nights sleep or a few moments peace... but I would never and have never considered two months. That is a long time. No hugs... no kisses... no "Mommy"... none of that. Silence. That might be the most heartbreaking, throbbing silence of my life. I keep telling myself... it's for the best... it's for the best... it's for the best... and by God I hope it is. That is my baby... my life... my world. She is the reason I get up in the morning and the reason I work as hard at the things I do. I want her to have everything I didn't have and everything she could ever dream of. I want her to do whatever it is she wants to do in life and never have to go without. This is going to be my opportunity to give that to her and for the life of me... I can't turn that down. No matter how hard it may be. I thank God her father is being cooperative and allowing me to take her out there with me. I wouldn't be going if I couldn't. I COULD NOT LEAVE HER FOR GOOD.

We are having her birthday party on Jan 30th. Dora and Diego themed... I think I might know every word to Diego. It's all we ever watch anymore. I can't stop watching her. I watch her play, eat, just sit and watch TV, and I can't help but look over at her now as she sleeps. I think I am trying to memorize every little detail... afraid I might forget if I don't. I'm ok if I don't talk about it. As soon as I let the idea of driving away without her... knowing I am not coming back... enter my head... I'm done. I can't hold the tears back.

It's going to be ok. Just... I don't want to leave her. I have to. I made promises and its for the best. It's to make her life better. I miss her already. I love you Payton Nichole Ann Bonino. Always know that.

L.A. is going to be good to us.