Wednesday, May 9, 2012

Not Your Call NC...

I'm a bit outraged. North Carolina passed a law that will ban same sex marriages. This law was already in place in North Carolina before, but now it is solidified yet again. To those who voted for this ridiculous law, do you realize what it makes you look like? It makes you look like a bunch of ignorant assholes that feel it is your place to tell others what to believe in.

Isn't their some rule against mixing church and state? What on earth made it the governments right to tell someone who they can love and who they can not love? I'm not a nonreligious person. I have beliefs. I believe in God. I sure as hell hope that me being buried 6 feet under is not the last thing ever. How utterly depressing is that.

I am a firm believer that those without sin should cast the first stone. That is my problem with religious people. I'd say a good 90% of the time... judgement comes from those who live by the "don't judge others because God said so" standards. You can't place a law against marrying someone of the same sex because your bible says so.

Freedom of religion. Remember that? It's a constitutionally guaranteed right. They say banning gay marriage has nothing to do with church, yet the primary reason they say it's wrong is because the bible says so. Let me say this... I've read the bible. I don't believe for a second that God would send you off to the fire pits of hell because you loved someone of the same sex. Honestly... think about that.

How is this any different than discriminating against people of other colors back in the day? Telling a gay person they can't get married is equivalent to telling someone of African American decent that they can't sit at the front of a bus. We see how well that turned out. They say we've grown up since the years of discriminating, but really it just evolved with us. If it's not one thing it's another. We've manage to allow gays to be out in the open in the military. Because apparently before we legalized that, gay people couldn't protect our country, right? The military hasn't fallen since we've righted that. They are still fighting, people are still enlisting, nobody has been killed on the job just because they were standing next to a gay individual.

All I'm saying is that if Sarah wants to marry Suzy... let her. Is it really the end of the world? Is that really the biggest issue we have to face currently? Because I am fairly certain that we have wars going on, a budget in crisis, starving families in our own backyard, and real issues that need attention. Yet here we are wasting our tax dollars arguing about whether or not someone can get married.

Below is a picture of the first gay couple to be wed in New York when they legalized gay marriage.

You're telling me THAT is a threat to mankind?

Flight or Fight?

So it's been quite a while since I've posted anything on here. My posts range from incredibly inappropriate and risque to highly revealing and emotional. This happens to be the second of the two.

I've known for the last five years or so that I have quite the damaged soul and heart from past relationships. I don't typically think too much about it, and I just live my life the way I have these past couple years. I have friends I would do anything for and I have my family, including my beautiful four year old mini-me who likes to terrorize my every waking moment. This is all I need. Or so I thought.

In recent months, it was brought to my attention the actual details of my closed off lifestyle. I keep people behind a very high, sturdy, layered set of walls that protect me from having to feel too much or handle things that have tried to ruin me in the past. I tend to attack when I feel threatened, even if the threat is simply my mind playing tricks on me. And I push away people that don't deserve it, simply out of fear of them getting too close. Those close to me understand that. They happened to get lucky enough to be let on the inside, whether they were there before I put the walls up or they made the effort to climb over. Either way, the set up is quite elaborate and I wasn't ashamed of that. You can't get hurt if you don't let people in. Simple as that.

The problem I am coming to find is that, on occasion, someone comes along and you are convinced to lower those walls. Now, you would think this is a good thing. My anxiety level soars in these instances. For those who know me, you are aware that I say what is on my mind (sometimes without thinking about it first), I'm well known for being 'the bitch' (which I embrace most of the time), and I'm the go to person if you need help with a bully, problem, etc. Emotions don't suit me. I'm really, really bad at emotions. I laugh at funerals for crying out loud. Not intentionally, of course, but something about the level of sadness and emotions flowing at such an event makes my body react in the complete opposite way and I find myself with tears... but of laughter. Tell me that isn't a bit fucked up?

I don't like feeling vulnerable. I don't like crying. In fact, I absolutely hate crying and tend to get angry when I do. But lately, I've let some of my emotions get the better of me. I don't like the feeling of relying on people. Peyton Sawyer (P. Sawyer), on One Tree Hill, said it best. People always leave.  It doesn't matter how much you love them, want them around, show them you care, etc. Sooner or later they leave. The loving, wanting, and caring isn't the part that terrifies me. It's the leaving. I don't handle heartbreak, heartache, or sadness well. Typically when I get in this deep, Flight or Fight becomes the options. Flight is the one that wins. But lately I found that I'm considering the fight option too. That has to show some form of improvement, right? Running can't always be the answer. At the same time, dealing with the consequences and side effects of fighting takes it's toll and I find myself right back at the beginning, wanting to throw up every single wall and build a few extras that I had originally lowered.

It makes you question things. Am I unlovable? Am I really that difficult? Will there ever be someone who is willing to fight for you? Are you worth fighting for?

I think the hardest lesson I've ever learned comes down to this...

Sometimes the people you can't live without, can live without you.

And that is shattering.