Strong Women

My dearest cousin, who is more like a sister than anything, sent me this in the form of a text message and it reigns so true. So therefore... I thought I would share it with you all..

She can deal with stress...
and carry heavy burdens.
She smiles when she feels like screaming,
and she sings when she feels like crying.
She cries when she's happy,
and laughs when she's afraid.
Her love is unconditional.
There's only one thing wrong with her.
She forgets what she's worth!

So taking this information into account... I challenge you all! Find a woman in your life... it can be your mom, sister, significant other, friend, whatever. Tell her how much she is loved and how much she means to you. The love should go both ways, and she should tell you how important and loved you are to her. But start it. Let her know she matters.

Signing out!

Me

It's Not Like the Movies

I shouldn't say life isn't like the movies at all. I guess it is sometimes, in some aspects. But fairy tales do not exist in real life. That is the reality of it. Disney teaches kids that they will grow up and find their prince or princess and live happily ever after. Life isn't that simple.

What you have to realize is that you are your own worst enemy. Heartbreak can only hold you for so long until you decide to start moving forward. Happiness is only good as long as the owner holds onto it. A sliver of darkness can darken that happiness. What I'm trying to say is that we decide our own fate.

Now... for anyone who knows me, they can tell you that I have some shit luck. Bad things happen, usually in groups. But... there is always a light at the end of the tunnel. So every time something bad happens, all I can think is... just a little bit farther.

There have been things in life I have wanted... and things that I have not wanted... and sometimes I get what I want, while other times I do not. I've had best friends who would do anything for me and I've had best friends stab me in the back. Boys have come and gone. Jobs start and end. Life continues.

I think for every woman there comes a time when your internal clock gets so freaking loud that you have a hard time ignoring it. It's like... GET MARRIED! HAVE BABIES! WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR! I think my internal clock is ticking, but I'm really good at silencing it for the most part. But it does make you think. I'm 27 (newly). I have a job I do love, a business I put my blood, sweat, and tears into, friends would would do anything for me (I think), a beautiful four year old who brightens my day every time she enters the room, a house, a car, food on the table, music to listen to, family to spend time with.... so therefore... most would say I am doing well. As a girl (or a woman), I can't help but let it cross my mind that I'm not married... I have no possibilities for more kids in the future... Doesn't that make you wonder?

What if I'm broken? Or unwantable? Is that even a word? I don't think so. I don't think I'm that bad of a person. I work hard. I try and rectify the mistakes I made when I was younger. I try and be the best mom I can be. So why doesn't anyone want me? It's a hard question to ask yourself. Now... I'm a bitch. I can be a serious bitch. I tend to want things my way and I have only found one person in my life (opposite sex) that can handle me at my best and worst. Sometimes I question how long he can deal with it to be honest. Aside from that... I do have baggage. It's part of life. Mine might be a bit heavier than some. But it is what it is and I have to live with it. Sometimes I just wish I had someone who wanted to help me bare the load. Someone who is there to say "I'm on your side," when life gets difficult. I feel like people run when things get hard. So instead of sharing my thoughts, fears, etc, I bottle it up and I let it simmer until I can't contain it anymore and I lose it. Tears. Screaming. Whatever the case...

But then I look at my life and realize it's not that bad. It might not be like the movies... but it's pretty good compared to others. And if no man ever decides I'm the one he wants... that's ok too. Because I don't need a man to be happy. I don't want to depend on a man to be happy. It would be nice to have a partner in crime... but I can do it on my own. I've been doing it long enough. So as much as it sucks sometimes... I wipe away the tears, shoulders back, head up, and move forward.

Because ladies.... someday... maybe not tomorrow, next week, or even next year... that guy that you liked so much and you waited for... the one you gave everything to... whatever made him happy... and he decided you weren't the one he wanted. I guarantee he will look back and say "Damn... what was I thinking." So I'm going to hold on to that and all of you should too. You are amazing. You are beautiful. You are intelligent. You are hard working. And you will be missed. Because who can't miss someone that amazing. And as much as it sucks that he didn't realize that sooner... it puts a bit of a smile on your (and my) face to know that one day he's going to look back... and you'll be gone.

People won't wait forever. How's that saying go? One day you'll realize what you had was the best... but the best found better.

Just Smile

Do you ever get that feeling that you are just tired? Not sleepy tired. Just tired. The best way I can describe it is that you get tired of fighting. Tired of struggling. Tired of... everything. Not saying you want to "end it all" because let's be honest... that's a bit extreme. It's that feeling where you feel like you have been fighting for something for so long or trying so hard to be "perfect" and it's just not working. Obviously perfection is impossible to achieve. There is always room for improvement, which is what makes people get better... when they are constantly trying to beat themselves.

I think there are times in life where you just reach a point and you can't try anymore. Not about everything in general. Just certain things. Let's take an example. Say you have been trying so hard to be a really good friend to someone and they keep pushing back. Making you feel like you aren't doing enough or that you aren't enough. After so long you either start to believe it or you just can't fight it anymore. You have no choice but to back off.

I believe that relationships come and go. Not everyone is going to be in your life forever. Not even family. Relationships fall apart so that other ones can come together. Yes... I just posted that quote. But it's so true. Not everything is sunflowers, rainbows, and unicorns. Life sucks. It's going to hurt. People are going to hurt you. Your heart will be broken. You will get betrayed. It's part of life. I tweeted a quote the other day that said something along the lines of 'Pain is inevitable, but suffering is a choice'.

That's not saying you have to just suck it up and deal with it. No tears. No reaction. Sometimes tears are good. It's simply saying that you don't have to let it consume you. I am no stranger to this. There will be relationships in life that end and you feel like the world is over. It's not. There is a reason that relationship never worked out. There are people in my life who use to be really close with me and now we don't speak. Not a day goes by something doesn't remind me of them. But it is what it is. Don't dwell on it. Move on. Embrace what they taught you.

Now if it make you feel better, I will say that I am a believer in the notion that sometimes people don't know what they lost until it is gone. They don't realize how great you are. Or what you have to offer. Everyone has seen that, right? Whether it be an ex that breaks up with you and then suddenly they are all up in your business wanting you back or a friend that is apologizing profusely for talking behind your back. Why? They realized they screwed up and they threw away greatness. Just like there is that person who you let get away... you are that person to somebody. Somebody knows, or will know, how amazing you are after the fact. That may seem sad to a lot of you, myself included, because you want them to see that BEFORE they throw it away. But you are great. You are beautiful. Someone will appreciate it.

You for instance... the one reading this. You are great. I know that. So smile. Just smile.

Weekly Rant!

TOPIC 1: Let me start with some random ramblings. Some of the Colorado victim shooting victims and/or their families have hired Jose Baez to represent them in their civil suit against the movie theater. For those who do not watch the news (or live under a rock), Jose Baez is the one that got Casey Anthony off from murder. You know... Casey "I swear I dropped my kid at the babysitter but miraculously her dead body popped up a mile from my house" Anthony. Let's not even get me started on that case. So anyway, they are suing the movie theater. Because... you know... it was CLEARLY the movie theaters fault that some doctoral student who couldn't keep his head in the game went WAY off his rocker and shot up a movie theater. It was there fault that he went out and came back in with a gun. What else would you have liked them to do? He didn't walk through the front door with a machine gun strapped around him and they didn't just waive him in anyway. He went out the emergency exit. Mind you... I guarantee they are going to bring up some stupid thing that says "that door should only be for emergencies". Well duh! But had that door been locked, then someone would be suing the theater for the fact that the emergency exit couldn't be used in the event of a fire. It's not the theaters fault. It's that crazy dude who couldn't handle his life. Sue him. Sue his parents for bad genetics (that wouldn't be right either btw...). But do not sue the movie theater who did everything they could to help. Bad things happen. Sometimes there is nobody else to blame but the single individual who will never see the light of day again. Justice is being served. Suing the theater is not going to bring your brother, father, sister, friend, or child back. They will still be gone. Money might make you feel better for now, but that void is always going to be there. Why ruin the lives of others in the process? I don't get it. I think people are greedy. I don't blame them. I blame grief. It's a bitch.

Moving on...

TOPIC 2: Someone shot up outside the Empire State Building this morning. Some disgruntled worker I guess. Take a freakin zanax! Stop shooting each other! We all want our freedom... and people get so mad when the government talks about changing our gun laws, but we keep going around killing each other! By we... I mean all those crazy people (Not WE as in me and my readers). Seriously, take yoga... meditate... read a book.... listen to calming waves from the ocean... or take your anger out on a punching bag. Do NOT... I repeat DO NOT shoot up strangers in the street! What the hell did they do!?

TOPIC 3: Can we pleeeease stop talking about Kstew and Rpattz. I get it... they broke up. We are sad. Kstew screwed up. She KNOWS! You do not have to remind her every day of her life! I'm certain she is sad enough. People make mistakes. Nobody would care if she wasn't your precious Bella dating the beautiful Edward. The funny thing is that you don't hear about people ripping Sanders. Is that his last name? Rupert, right? I hear so little about him I don't even know if I have his name right. The married man with 2 kids she trotted off with! Why do we not hear about him? It's not like Kstew drugged him and forced him to cheat. He is just as guilty! He is MARRIED! Kristen was in a relationship but he is MARRIED. With KIDS! Come on! How is that not worse!? I'm a firm believer that people can change. Stop bringing up the same shit. Let them heal and try to move on or grow from it.

Until next week...

To Fake a Smile...

There has been so much going on lately that I literally have the urge to scream and pull my hair at the same time. You ever have one of those weeks where it starts out.... God... so fucking good. You literally can not imagine things getting better... and then you go and do something ridiculously stupid and it crumbles around you? Yeah... you know what I mean. Well... to sum up the end of my week, I feel as though I am officially standing on the rubble that once was the perfection of my life. Yeah... that bad.

So we are going to talk about life. My life to be exact. A little back story to start. Life is not always easy. Obviously. I don't have to preach that. I've been in many relationships before. Whether those be actual relationships with men, friendships, or acquaintances. Either way you look at it, some of those blossom and some of them fall apart. There was a time that me and my bestie absolutely hated each other. Now I can't imagine life without her. I'm fairly certain we will ram each other with our wheelchairs later in life. A lot of my relationships in the past have been... horrible. Some were good and then went bad. I don't think I've ever been in a relationship where it was good and ended good. I'm not use to things being good. Every time things get good, I cover my head because I know something is about to fall out of the sky and hit me. The problem with my demented past is that it tends to creep up and ruin things for my future. I make a friend or get in a relationship and things start looking good and bam... before anything bad can happen, I fuck it up. Why? Because I was always trained that if you don't want to watch people leave, you leave first.

I know what you are thinking. This girl is mental! It's very possible. I might need medication or a nice jacket to help hug myself.

Then you meet people (my bestie is one) where you really want it to work out. You really want that relationship to stay a part of your life. So you adapt. It may take a while. You may screw up a few times. You may push so hard that the other person backs up even. The good thing is that sometimes they push back. They want to be in your life as much as you want them to. Sometimes, though, you push a bit too hard and there is nothing you can do but watch it fall apart. Recently, and no I am not going to name names... I pushed a bit too hard I think. And I'm not sure this person is going to push back.

You know that feeling you get when you are so sad. It can be when someone dies, when you break up, when you fight with your friend, argue with your parents, say something mean but not have meant it, whatever. That feeling in your chest where you feel like something is squeezing your heart, and probably your lungs. And you can not shake it. I hate that feeling. I have that feeling.

I want to clarify something to those people who I have shoved in the past, or in my present... I don't do it because I don't want you as a part of my life. It's like this horribly fucked up instinct in my brain that triggers. I would like to believe that I am growing as a person. I've made some adjustments in recent months of my life that I think make me a better person. I've brought people into my life (into meaning where I only let a select few) that make me a better person and make me want to be a better person. So if I shove you away or I do something crazy, know I don't mean it. I'm still working on the programming that makes me do these things. It's a hard habit to break, but I'm working on it. All I ask is that you don't give up on me. I don't love easily and I am damn sure aware that I am not easy to love. So when I do, I love hard. And if it's someone I have let into those inner barriers that I hold so near and dear to protecting myself, and they leave, it's like my breath is taken away. I get so sad. So sad.

I'm fairly good at pretending. I can go to work with a smile on my face, laugh with my coworkers or clients, and pretend like all is right in the world. But all girls know that we are the best at hiding our feelings when we want to. We can put our heart on our sleeve if we want, but if we don't want you to know how we are inside, you will never know.

A dear friend of mine recently told me that the phrase "too good to be true" is a hard one to combat. How are you suppose to win against that? How are you suppose to win someone over who is always thinking that there is something bad right behind the good? I never really looked at it like that. Maybe it's too late now though.

There are people in my life who I am so afraid of losing. I can't help but wonder if there are people who are afraid of losing me.

Do Men Really Listen?

Have you ever been sitting with your guy talking and you ask a question, he doesn't answer, and then turns to you with that dumb look? Yeah, most women have. Is it so hard to pay attention? Someone once tried to tell me that women's voices are at a higher octave than men's brains can comprehend. Sounds like something a man would make up.

Know what else drives me crazy? When you ask a man a question and they answer like this...

Me: Hey, do you want Chinese or Pizza for dinner?
Him: Yeah.
Me: ....

WHAT IS THE MATTER WITH YOU!? It was not a yes or no question. It was a choice that you had to make. And your answer is "yeah"? Could you get more annoying? Just answer the damn question. Pay attention. It is not that hard of a concept.

The funny thing is that they do this so often that you do not think they are EVER listening and then they shock you. You will talk about random stuff, things you want, things you love, etc, etc and you never think they are paying attention. But then.... BUT THEN.... they randomly pull it out of no where. Like... surprise you with a movie you've "Always wanted to see" or show up with a present of your all time favorite snack that you hardly ever get. Little things. It's always little things. Or they point out completely random things you do that you never noticed. So perceptive... yet when you TRY to talk to them they never pay attention.

I'll never understand men. It would be in your best interest to never try too hard to understand them. The mystery is more exciting anyway.

K.

Getting "Old"

Let me start out by saying that I am by no means old. I am mid-twenties.... very soon to be late twenties. Ok... ok... I'm 26 and turning 27 on October 6th (Wish me Happy Birthday!). I had an entire conversation with a friend of mine about what "late" and "mid" twenties entailed. I stand by my opinion that late twenties starts at 27.

Anyway... back on topic. Has anyone ever hit a day where suddenly it occurs to you that you are behind schedule on things? For instance... I'm not married. I'm not even in a serious relationship. I am not on my way to the alter anytime soon. Yet, I can honestly say that if I am going to do that, I'd like to do it by 30. After that I'll feel like I'm a big loser.

Here is the question... Who on earth is going to marry me? Don't get me wrong... I think I'm fantastic. But my opinion is not the one that matters. It literally occurred to me that no matter how much I've already done in my life... I am extremely behind.

So how does one go about moving that forward? I'm not the type to go "look for a husband". That just seems a bit ridiculous. I don't like dating and I pretty much refuse to do it. Going out with complete strangers who could end up being weirdo's of epic proportions... not my idea of a good time. I already know what I want. The question is will I get it. Life says you don't always get what you want. I sure do hope I get it though. Life would be great. Hopefully it will happen. And if not... I suppose I shall sit and cry with my forty cats (I dislike cats). Check back in 3 years to find out if I turned into the cat lady... or if all my dreams (or some of them) came true.

And I'm out...

K.