Friday, August 24, 2012

To Fake a Smile...

There has been so much going on lately that I literally have the urge to scream and pull my hair at the same time. You ever have one of those weeks where it starts out.... God... so fucking good. You literally can not imagine things getting better... and then you go and do something ridiculously stupid and it crumbles around you? Yeah... you know what I mean. Well... to sum up the end of my week, I feel as though I am officially standing on the rubble that once was the perfection of my life. Yeah... that bad.

So we are going to talk about life. My life to be exact. A little back story to start. Life is not always easy. Obviously. I don't have to preach that. I've been in many relationships before. Whether those be actual relationships with men, friendships, or acquaintances. Either way you look at it, some of those blossom and some of them fall apart. There was a time that me and my bestie absolutely hated each other. Now I can't imagine life without her. I'm fairly certain we will ram each other with our wheelchairs later in life. A lot of my relationships in the past have been... horrible. Some were good and then went bad. I don't think I've ever been in a relationship where it was good and ended good. I'm not use to things being good. Every time things get good, I cover my head because I know something is about to fall out of the sky and hit me. The problem with my demented past is that it tends to creep up and ruin things for my future. I make a friend or get in a relationship and things start looking good and bam... before anything bad can happen, I fuck it up. Why? Because I was always trained that if you don't want to watch people leave, you leave first.

I know what you are thinking. This girl is mental! It's very possible. I might need medication or a nice jacket to help hug myself.

Then you meet people (my bestie is one) where you really want it to work out. You really want that relationship to stay a part of your life. So you adapt. It may take a while. You may screw up a few times. You may push so hard that the other person backs up even. The good thing is that sometimes they push back. They want to be in your life as much as you want them to. Sometimes, though, you push a bit too hard and there is nothing you can do but watch it fall apart. Recently, and no I am not going to name names... I pushed a bit too hard I think. And I'm not sure this person is going to push back.

You know that feeling you get when you are so sad. It can be when someone dies, when you break up, when you fight with your friend, argue with your parents, say something mean but not have meant it, whatever. That feeling in your chest where you feel like something is squeezing your heart, and probably your lungs. And you can not shake it. I hate that feeling. I have that feeling.

I want to clarify something to those people who I have shoved in the past, or in my present... I don't do it because I don't want you as a part of my life. It's like this horribly fucked up instinct in my brain that triggers. I would like to believe that I am growing as a person. I've made some adjustments in recent months of my life that I think make me a better person. I've brought people into my life (into meaning where I only let a select few) that make me a better person and make me want to be a better person. So if I shove you away or I do something crazy, know I don't mean it. I'm still working on the programming that makes me do these things. It's a hard habit to break, but I'm working on it. All I ask is that you don't give up on me. I don't love easily and I am damn sure aware that I am not easy to love. So when I do, I love hard. And if it's someone I have let into those inner barriers that I hold so near and dear to protecting myself, and they leave, it's like my breath is taken away. I get so sad. So sad.

I'm fairly good at pretending. I can go to work with a smile on my face, laugh with my coworkers or clients, and pretend like all is right in the world. But all girls know that we are the best at hiding our feelings when we want to. We can put our heart on our sleeve if we want, but if we don't want you to know how we are inside, you will never know.

A dear friend of mine recently told me that the phrase "too good to be true" is a hard one to combat. How are you suppose to win against that? How are you suppose to win someone over who is always thinking that there is something bad right behind the good? I never really looked at it like that. Maybe it's too late now though.

There are people in my life who I am so afraid of losing. I can't help but wonder if there are people who are afraid of losing me.

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