It's Not Like the Movies

I shouldn't say life isn't like the movies at all. I guess it is sometimes, in some aspects. But fairy tales do not exist in real life. That is the reality of it. Disney teaches kids that they will grow up and find their prince or princess and live happily ever after. Life isn't that simple.

What you have to realize is that you are your own worst enemy. Heartbreak can only hold you for so long until you decide to start moving forward. Happiness is only good as long as the owner holds onto it. A sliver of darkness can darken that happiness. What I'm trying to say is that we decide our own fate.

Now... for anyone who knows me, they can tell you that I have some shit luck. Bad things happen, usually in groups. But... there is always a light at the end of the tunnel. So every time something bad happens, all I can think is... just a little bit farther.

There have been things in life I have wanted... and things that I have not wanted... and sometimes I get what I want, while other times I do not. I've had best friends who would do anything for me and I've had best friends stab me in the back. Boys have come and gone. Jobs start and end. Life continues.

I think for every woman there comes a time when your internal clock gets so freaking loud that you have a hard time ignoring it. It's like... GET MARRIED! HAVE BABIES! WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR! I think my internal clock is ticking, but I'm really good at silencing it for the most part. But it does make you think. I'm 27 (newly). I have a job I do love, a business I put my blood, sweat, and tears into, friends would would do anything for me (I think), a beautiful four year old who brightens my day every time she enters the room, a house, a car, food on the table, music to listen to, family to spend time with.... so therefore... most would say I am doing well. As a girl (or a woman), I can't help but let it cross my mind that I'm not married... I have no possibilities for more kids in the future... Doesn't that make you wonder?

What if I'm broken? Or unwantable? Is that even a word? I don't think so. I don't think I'm that bad of a person. I work hard. I try and rectify the mistakes I made when I was younger. I try and be the best mom I can be. So why doesn't anyone want me? It's a hard question to ask yourself. Now... I'm a bitch. I can be a serious bitch. I tend to want things my way and I have only found one person in my life (opposite sex) that can handle me at my best and worst. Sometimes I question how long he can deal with it to be honest. Aside from that... I do have baggage. It's part of life. Mine might be a bit heavier than some. But it is what it is and I have to live with it. Sometimes I just wish I had someone who wanted to help me bare the load. Someone who is there to say "I'm on your side," when life gets difficult. I feel like people run when things get hard. So instead of sharing my thoughts, fears, etc, I bottle it up and I let it simmer until I can't contain it anymore and I lose it. Tears. Screaming. Whatever the case...

But then I look at my life and realize it's not that bad. It might not be like the movies... but it's pretty good compared to others. And if no man ever decides I'm the one he wants... that's ok too. Because I don't need a man to be happy. I don't want to depend on a man to be happy. It would be nice to have a partner in crime... but I can do it on my own. I've been doing it long enough. So as much as it sucks sometimes... I wipe away the tears, shoulders back, head up, and move forward.

Because ladies.... someday... maybe not tomorrow, next week, or even next year... that guy that you liked so much and you waited for... the one you gave everything to... whatever made him happy... and he decided you weren't the one he wanted. I guarantee he will look back and say "Damn... what was I thinking." So I'm going to hold on to that and all of you should too. You are amazing. You are beautiful. You are intelligent. You are hard working. And you will be missed. Because who can't miss someone that amazing. And as much as it sucks that he didn't realize that sooner... it puts a bit of a smile on your (and my) face to know that one day he's going to look back... and you'll be gone.

People won't wait forever. How's that saying go? One day you'll realize what you had was the best... but the best found better.

Just Smile

Do you ever get that feeling that you are just tired? Not sleepy tired. Just tired. The best way I can describe it is that you get tired of fighting. Tired of struggling. Tired of... everything. Not saying you want to "end it all" because let's be honest... that's a bit extreme. It's that feeling where you feel like you have been fighting for something for so long or trying so hard to be "perfect" and it's just not working. Obviously perfection is impossible to achieve. There is always room for improvement, which is what makes people get better... when they are constantly trying to beat themselves.

I think there are times in life where you just reach a point and you can't try anymore. Not about everything in general. Just certain things. Let's take an example. Say you have been trying so hard to be a really good friend to someone and they keep pushing back. Making you feel like you aren't doing enough or that you aren't enough. After so long you either start to believe it or you just can't fight it anymore. You have no choice but to back off.

I believe that relationships come and go. Not everyone is going to be in your life forever. Not even family. Relationships fall apart so that other ones can come together. Yes... I just posted that quote. But it's so true. Not everything is sunflowers, rainbows, and unicorns. Life sucks. It's going to hurt. People are going to hurt you. Your heart will be broken. You will get betrayed. It's part of life. I tweeted a quote the other day that said something along the lines of 'Pain is inevitable, but suffering is a choice'.

That's not saying you have to just suck it up and deal with it. No tears. No reaction. Sometimes tears are good. It's simply saying that you don't have to let it consume you. I am no stranger to this. There will be relationships in life that end and you feel like the world is over. It's not. There is a reason that relationship never worked out. There are people in my life who use to be really close with me and now we don't speak. Not a day goes by something doesn't remind me of them. But it is what it is. Don't dwell on it. Move on. Embrace what they taught you.

Now if it make you feel better, I will say that I am a believer in the notion that sometimes people don't know what they lost until it is gone. They don't realize how great you are. Or what you have to offer. Everyone has seen that, right? Whether it be an ex that breaks up with you and then suddenly they are all up in your business wanting you back or a friend that is apologizing profusely for talking behind your back. Why? They realized they screwed up and they threw away greatness. Just like there is that person who you let get away... you are that person to somebody. Somebody knows, or will know, how amazing you are after the fact. That may seem sad to a lot of you, myself included, because you want them to see that BEFORE they throw it away. But you are great. You are beautiful. Someone will appreciate it.

You for instance... the one reading this. You are great. I know that. So smile. Just smile.

To Fake a Smile...

There has been so much going on lately that I literally have the urge to scream and pull my hair at the same time. You ever have one of those weeks where it starts out.... God... so fucking good. You literally can not imagine things getting better... and then you go and do something ridiculously stupid and it crumbles around you? Yeah... you know what I mean. Well... to sum up the end of my week, I feel as though I am officially standing on the rubble that once was the perfection of my life. Yeah... that bad.

So we are going to talk about life. My life to be exact. A little back story to start. Life is not always easy. Obviously. I don't have to preach that. I've been in many relationships before. Whether those be actual relationships with men, friendships, or acquaintances. Either way you look at it, some of those blossom and some of them fall apart. There was a time that me and my bestie absolutely hated each other. Now I can't imagine life without her. I'm fairly certain we will ram each other with our wheelchairs later in life. A lot of my relationships in the past have been... horrible. Some were good and then went bad. I don't think I've ever been in a relationship where it was good and ended good. I'm not use to things being good. Every time things get good, I cover my head because I know something is about to fall out of the sky and hit me. The problem with my demented past is that it tends to creep up and ruin things for my future. I make a friend or get in a relationship and things start looking good and bam... before anything bad can happen, I fuck it up. Why? Because I was always trained that if you don't want to watch people leave, you leave first.

I know what you are thinking. This girl is mental! It's very possible. I might need medication or a nice jacket to help hug myself.

Then you meet people (my bestie is one) where you really want it to work out. You really want that relationship to stay a part of your life. So you adapt. It may take a while. You may screw up a few times. You may push so hard that the other person backs up even. The good thing is that sometimes they push back. They want to be in your life as much as you want them to. Sometimes, though, you push a bit too hard and there is nothing you can do but watch it fall apart. Recently, and no I am not going to name names... I pushed a bit too hard I think. And I'm not sure this person is going to push back.

You know that feeling you get when you are so sad. It can be when someone dies, when you break up, when you fight with your friend, argue with your parents, say something mean but not have meant it, whatever. That feeling in your chest where you feel like something is squeezing your heart, and probably your lungs. And you can not shake it. I hate that feeling. I have that feeling.

I want to clarify something to those people who I have shoved in the past, or in my present... I don't do it because I don't want you as a part of my life. It's like this horribly fucked up instinct in my brain that triggers. I would like to believe that I am growing as a person. I've made some adjustments in recent months of my life that I think make me a better person. I've brought people into my life (into meaning where I only let a select few) that make me a better person and make me want to be a better person. So if I shove you away or I do something crazy, know I don't mean it. I'm still working on the programming that makes me do these things. It's a hard habit to break, but I'm working on it. All I ask is that you don't give up on me. I don't love easily and I am damn sure aware that I am not easy to love. So when I do, I love hard. And if it's someone I have let into those inner barriers that I hold so near and dear to protecting myself, and they leave, it's like my breath is taken away. I get so sad. So sad.

I'm fairly good at pretending. I can go to work with a smile on my face, laugh with my coworkers or clients, and pretend like all is right in the world. But all girls know that we are the best at hiding our feelings when we want to. We can put our heart on our sleeve if we want, but if we don't want you to know how we are inside, you will never know.

A dear friend of mine recently told me that the phrase "too good to be true" is a hard one to combat. How are you suppose to win against that? How are you suppose to win someone over who is always thinking that there is something bad right behind the good? I never really looked at it like that. Maybe it's too late now though.

There are people in my life who I am so afraid of losing. I can't help but wonder if there are people who are afraid of losing me.

Relationships...

You know how guys say "nice guys finish last". That may be true is some cases. but not all cases. There are many girls out there who look for the hot, well built man first. They want the muscles, the good looks, the money, the cars, and all the perks of being "his girl". The thing is, there are plenty of girls who are not all about the looks. In my opinion, the better you are on the inside, the better you look on the outside. You can be the most gorgeous man in the world, but if you have  a shitty personality, then there is the door. I don't want what you are selling.

In my opinion, life is a bit harder for the girl. No offense men, but a majority of you are shallow dicks. If a girl doesn't have a small waist you don't want any. If that girl has a great personality, more power to you. The thing is... we all need love.

I've always been the one that says I don't want to get married and I'm not looking to fall in love (which is typically when it happens, may I point out), but in reality every girls wants a little bit of her own fairy tale. I don't want someone who settles for me, though. I want someone who looks at me and says "that's the one." I'm difficult. I'm beyond difficult. I'm bitchy and bossy and I tend to put up a fight against things even when I know they are right just because I can. I tend to want things my way and I get upset when they aren't. Not many men can handle me or want to handle me.

All I'm saying is that the world has come to be so difficult. What ever happen to getting to know someone and then making a judgement call on to whether you could be with them? What happen to being nice to everyone because you could be being a complete bitch to the man of your dreams (or woman... equality here!) Stop caring what your friends think. Don't not get to know someone because they might not be what your friends want you to bring around.

And my newest lesson... leave everyone out of your shit. It only complicates things. Don't you have enough problems trying to deal with your OWN relationships than to bring other people into yours or put your nose in someone else's? Look at celebrities... the ones that make it are the ones you never hear about in the news!

And end rant...