Wednesday, December 5, 2012

I need to simplify life...

So I don't really do the whole New Year's resolution thing. It's just another way to set yourself up for failure. What does it usually entail? I'm going to lose weight. Work out more. Be healthier. Stop drinking soda. Quit smoking. Blah Blah Blah. If you do New Year's resolutions and succeed... you deserve a huge high five and some pretty medal to hang on your wall. It's hard.

BUT... this year I am going to make a life change. And I'm not going to wait until January. I'm going to do it now. I want to simplify my life. It's very vague, so therefore ANY success is a win for me.

I think sometimes people make life way more complicated than it needs to be. You tell yourself you are going to be this chill person and the next thing you know you are stressing out, ripping your hair out, running around like you've lost your head, and so on. That's me. The running around with no head person. I don't want to do that anymore. Life is too short. There are too many great things out there to enjoy.

The first way I want to simplify life is to make sure I think of at least one thing every single day that makes my day worth it. Waking up each morning is a good one. That is a given. Something different every day. What am I thankful for? Why is today a great day, despite anything that may be going wrong?

Second, try not to worry so much. I do this thing where I crawl inside my own head and allow things to build to unnecessary heights. Or I clog my filter and therefore say shit I shouldn't say or really isn't what I'm thinking, but that is the thought that escaped. I don't want to do that anymore. I want to not try and control things that are out of my control. Go with the flow.

Third, simply be thankful for what I have. I have some of the best friends in the world. Sometimes I get crazy and worry that they are going to disappear or something is going to rip us apart, because that is what I have experienced in the past. I don't want to live in the past. I don't want that. I want to just... be. I want to not worry about the "what if's" in life. Those things are what make you think irrational thoughts. What if? Well... if something happens, it is meant to happen. I hope that my small group of amazing friends is forever with me. I hope we get to be friends forever. No matter what. They all know who they are. It would shatter my world if something tore us apart and I don't want that. I love them.

Four, Just fucking relax. I think too much. Seriously. There is always thoughts running in my mind that are very... damaging. LOL. Not in a kill myself sort of way. More of the "what if" I was just talking about. I need to just relax. Let it happen. Life is full of ups and downs. Things are going to happen and it's going to feel like the end of the world. Relationships will begin and end. My heart will be broken on more than one occasion. My chest will get that empty feeling as if a part of me is missing. And no matter how hard it is... I have to realize that one day it will just... stop. I will feel better. It may leave scars emotionally, but that's what make people beautiful. All those scars shape them into the person they are. So it will suck... but it will also get better. And if it doesn't, maybe you should chase after whatever it is you lost. It's obviously meant to be a part of you in some way. Maybe not the way you had hoped, but in some way. I'm not saying you should settle... but take a moment to think. Say it's a person. Would you rather be without them completely or just rearrange your relationship with them? If it's an opportunity missed... maybe that specific one was not suppose to happen, but you shouldn't not chase your dream just because of that one thing. Relax. Let life take you. You aren't in control of it. Fate is. Trust her.

And last (for now), I just want to be happy. I have a beautiful daughter who is the center of my universe. What more could I actually ask for? She's healthy, happy, and well taken care of. I have a roof over my head, food on the table. Sometimes the bills are tight. Or I'm not real sure where gas is coming from for the week. I want to let it go. If I can't change it, I don't want to worry about it at that moment.

Simplify life. Experience things I haven't experienced. Appreciate the things I have and do. Love the people around me, flaws and all, because God knows they love me with all my flaws (I have more than plenty). I'm a difficult person. I'm a difficult person to love I think. For those people who have stuck by my side, even when I have screwed up repeatedly, I thank you. I know some of those screw ups would give full right to walk away and never look back. I would have understood if you had. So thank you so much for sticking around. I promise to actively try to improve myself. Make myself a better person for me, my daughter, and everyone in my life. If I can work on myself, maybe some will love me more. Or new people will come into my life. And maybe I won't end up the cat lady, alone the rest of my life (although... it would be ok if I did. Well... maybe dogs.). Life is short. Don't put up walls stopping yourself from doing things. Whatever happens. Go with the flow. And try not to be too disappointed if everything you ever wanted doesn't come true or happen for you. Cry it out. Shake it off and try and believe that something better will come along.

So yeah... simplify life.

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