So this morning has been an odd one. I had some... random dreams last night. My daughter was oddly cheery, and I'm working an hour early... which is kind of typical.
Here is my thinking. I have a beautiful four year old daughter (almost five in February). I have a job I enjoy; two technically. I have family and great friends surrounding me.
Do you know that phrase "I'm alone in a crowded room." That is the feeling I have this morning.
Now, I'm not complaining about life. It's just an observation. But hear me out. I'm 27. My life is not dependent on getting married or having more kids, but I kind of want it. I'm not looking to rush down the isle, or rush into a relationship right now. I'm just saying I would like the option. And by God there are limited options. I'm that person that decides that I want something or someone and that something never works out or that someone doesn't want me back. Someday I want to be wanted. I don't want to be in a relationship with someone who would rather be somewhere else.
I want someone who loves my kid like their own. I want respect, encouragement, a friend, and a lover. All wrapped into one. I think I'm afraid that I'm going to sit back and watch all of my friends go through the normal life experiences (marriage, children, careers, financial stability, etc) and I'm going to just be sitting by, alone, struggling, and just... stuck. That terrifies me.
Now, I've said it before and I'll say it again. I'm difficult. Unbelievably so sometimes. I'm even surprised by the people in my life who stay. I always say "People always leave" like P. Sawyer in One Tree Hill. The truth is, people always leave because you make it impossible to stay. I don't want to be the crazy cat lady. Partially because I dislike cats. They are cute, but I do not want to own one... or twenty. My four year old asked me today why her daddy had a girl but mommy didn't have a boy. It's pathetic when your kid notices. LOL.
I don't want to rush anything. I don't want to get married now, or even six months from now. I don't even want to rush into a relationship. I have enough things to deal with then the complexities of someone else's life twisted with mine. I just want to know... if it's ever going to happen. Is someone ever going to look at me and think, "She's the one." I doubt it. But hey, that's how I think, right? If you don't expect much, you can't get hurt.
I'm trying to balance the old me with the new me. The new me gets emotional and attached and therefore hurt. The old me didn't give a fuck. I didn't care enough or have any expectations, so therefore when someone disappointed me, it didn't hit me as hard as it does now. I didn't care enough. There has to be a happy medium right? A place where you can care, but the minute disappointment peaks around the corner you can slam your doors shut? I might have to try that.
On a side (and totally random note). 7-Eleven has these ridiculous Christmas cups that Will Ferrell designed. And once I thought "These are ridiculous" I felt like an asshole because proceeds go to charity. I suck...