Friday, December 28, 2012

A Semi New Years Resolution

Alright so I do not typically make New Years resolutions because I think that you are setting yourself up for failure a lot of the time. I also don't think you should only make goals once a year. It should be a constant process to better yourself.

But I have made two kind of resolutions this year.

1. Better financial stability.
I have not had the best luck with finances this year or... oh I don't know... the last eight years. So my goal is to better that. I already have a plan in place and I am just waiting on certain items to happen. This one I am so stoked about that I promise myself that I will make this a constant goal and mission to continue to better my life and that of my daughter.

2. This one is one I just decided on like ten minutes. It's simple really. Not to let things I can not control bother me. I have some things that have affected me in the past kind of control my future. For instance, I have this really bad fear of people leaving. In my opinion, Peyton Sawyer from One Tree Hill had it right. People always leave. In the past decade I'd say... I've had more people come in my life and then leave. After a while you get so tired of it that you stop letting people in. I've been working on breaking down those walls I've kept up for so long and I think over the past year I have gotten a lot better. Unfortunately I still have an emotional breakdown at the sign that someone important in my life is leaving or what not. That is just one of the many things I have to learn to not fear. People leave. People change. Sometimes friendships fail no matter how much you want them to stay. Relationships end. My new favorite quote is "Sometimes the people you can't live without can live without you." And it's so true. You can't control that.

I blame myself for a lot of things. I think I'm excessively difficult to love a lot of the time. I think that I have faults that are sometimes hard to overlook. And I think that a lot of the time that becomes too much for people. I can't change who I am. I can change bad habits and bad qualities that I think need improved on. Typically those things do not change overnight. I think I've been working hard and I don't do things that I use to or sometimes I don't do them as much. I kind of just want to learn to let things go. If someone doesn't want to be with me or be my friend or whatever the scenario, then I have to respect that and let them go. I'm not going to spend my entire life begging people to stay. What sucks is that it hurts sometimes. A lot. And all I feel like doing is crying. Or I have this emptiness in my chest. But from past experience I know that it will fade. It won't ever go away. But it will fade. And life moves on.

So why not move with it. Try to shake things off. Don't sweat the small stuff. Don't stress over things you can not change. You can't change the way others feel if they are set in their mind. Let it go.

So yeah... the second one might take a bit of work... but we shall see.

(P.S. this is not a sign to anyone I am friends with that you should leave me. Nope. Not at all.)

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