So it's been quite a while since I've posted anything on here. My posts range from incredibly inappropriate and risque to highly revealing and emotional. This happens to be the second of the two.
I've known for the last five years or so that I have quite the damaged soul and heart from past relationships. I don't typically think too much about it, and I just live my life the way I have these past couple years. I have friends I would do anything for and I have my family, including my beautiful four year old mini-me who likes to terrorize my every waking moment. This is all I need. Or so I thought.
In recent months, it was brought to my attention the actual details of my closed off lifestyle. I keep people behind a very high, sturdy, layered set of walls that protect me from having to feel too much or handle things that have tried to ruin me in the past. I tend to attack when I feel threatened, even if the threat is simply my mind playing tricks on me. And I push away people that don't deserve it, simply out of fear of them getting too close. Those close to me understand that. They happened to get lucky enough to be let on the inside, whether they were there before I put the walls up or they made the effort to climb over. Either way, the set up is quite elaborate and I wasn't ashamed of that. You can't get hurt if you don't let people in. Simple as that.
The problem I am coming to find is that, on occasion, someone comes along and you are convinced to lower those walls. Now, you would think this is a good thing. My anxiety level soars in these instances. For those who know me, you are aware that I say what is on my mind (sometimes without thinking about it first), I'm well known for being 'the bitch' (which I embrace most of the time), and I'm the go to person if you need help with a bully, problem, etc. Emotions don't suit me. I'm really, really bad at emotions. I laugh at funerals for crying out loud. Not intentionally, of course, but something about the level of sadness and emotions flowing at such an event makes my body react in the complete opposite way and I find myself with tears... but of laughter. Tell me that isn't a bit fucked up?
I don't like feeling vulnerable. I don't like crying. In fact, I absolutely hate crying and tend to get angry when I do. But lately, I've let some of my emotions get the better of me. I don't like the feeling of relying on people. Peyton Sawyer (P. Sawyer), on One Tree Hill, said it best. People always leave. It doesn't matter how much you love them, want them around, show them you care, etc. Sooner or later they leave. The loving, wanting, and caring isn't the part that terrifies me. It's the leaving. I don't handle heartbreak, heartache, or sadness well. Typically when I get in this deep, Flight or Fight becomes the options. Flight is the one that wins. But lately I found that I'm considering the fight option too. That has to show some form of improvement, right? Running can't always be the answer. At the same time, dealing with the consequences and side effects of fighting takes it's toll and I find myself right back at the beginning, wanting to throw up every single wall and build a few extras that I had originally lowered.
It makes you question things. Am I unlovable? Am I really that difficult? Will there ever be someone who is willing to fight for you? Are you worth fighting for?
I think the hardest lesson I've ever learned comes down to this...
Sometimes the people you can't live without, can live without you.
And that is shattering.