So I've decided that someday I'd like to get married. Have another baby. Whatever. You know how it goes. The normal stages of life. I'm already 27.
Well, it has occurred to me that in today's society the only way this seems like it's going to happen is to fit in to what society says is correct. Which means skinny. Cuz I've been single for quite some time and nobody seems to want me the way I am. Blah blah!
So, I guess it's time I crack down on myself. I've already stopped drinking soda. Almost 4 weeks now. Next is all the sweets. that is gonna be hard, but gotta do it.
This isn't just about meeting someone. This is also about getting healthier. I want to be. I don't think I have to be "skinny" to do that, but whatever.
Second random thought of the day... it's tax season. That excites me. Lots planned for 2013 and hopefully this is gonna be a good one.
What are your plans for 2013?
Showing posts with label changes. Show all posts
Showing posts with label changes. Show all posts
Saturday, January 5, 2013
Friday, December 28, 2012
A Semi New Years Resolution
Alright so I do not typically make New Years resolutions because I think that you are setting yourself up for failure a lot of the time. I also don't think you should only make goals once a year. It should be a constant process to better yourself.
But I have made two kind of resolutions this year.
1. Better financial stability.
I have not had the best luck with finances this year or... oh I don't know... the last eight years. So my goal is to better that. I already have a plan in place and I am just waiting on certain items to happen. This one I am so stoked about that I promise myself that I will make this a constant goal and mission to continue to better my life and that of my daughter.
2. This one is one I just decided on like ten minutes. It's simple really. Not to let things I can not control bother me. I have some things that have affected me in the past kind of control my future. For instance, I have this really bad fear of people leaving. In my opinion, Peyton Sawyer from One Tree Hill had it right. People always leave. In the past decade I'd say... I've had more people come in my life and then leave. After a while you get so tired of it that you stop letting people in. I've been working on breaking down those walls I've kept up for so long and I think over the past year I have gotten a lot better. Unfortunately I still have an emotional breakdown at the sign that someone important in my life is leaving or what not. That is just one of the many things I have to learn to not fear. People leave. People change. Sometimes friendships fail no matter how much you want them to stay. Relationships end. My new favorite quote is "Sometimes the people you can't live without can live without you." And it's so true. You can't control that.
I blame myself for a lot of things. I think I'm excessively difficult to love a lot of the time. I think that I have faults that are sometimes hard to overlook. And I think that a lot of the time that becomes too much for people. I can't change who I am. I can change bad habits and bad qualities that I think need improved on. Typically those things do not change overnight. I think I've been working hard and I don't do things that I use to or sometimes I don't do them as much. I kind of just want to learn to let things go. If someone doesn't want to be with me or be my friend or whatever the scenario, then I have to respect that and let them go. I'm not going to spend my entire life begging people to stay. What sucks is that it hurts sometimes. A lot. And all I feel like doing is crying. Or I have this emptiness in my chest. But from past experience I know that it will fade. It won't ever go away. But it will fade. And life moves on.
So why not move with it. Try to shake things off. Don't sweat the small stuff. Don't stress over things you can not change. You can't change the way others feel if they are set in their mind. Let it go.
So yeah... the second one might take a bit of work... but we shall see.
(P.S. this is not a sign to anyone I am friends with that you should leave me. Nope. Not at all.)
But I have made two kind of resolutions this year.
1. Better financial stability.
I have not had the best luck with finances this year or... oh I don't know... the last eight years. So my goal is to better that. I already have a plan in place and I am just waiting on certain items to happen. This one I am so stoked about that I promise myself that I will make this a constant goal and mission to continue to better my life and that of my daughter.
2. This one is one I just decided on like ten minutes. It's simple really. Not to let things I can not control bother me. I have some things that have affected me in the past kind of control my future. For instance, I have this really bad fear of people leaving. In my opinion, Peyton Sawyer from One Tree Hill had it right. People always leave. In the past decade I'd say... I've had more people come in my life and then leave. After a while you get so tired of it that you stop letting people in. I've been working on breaking down those walls I've kept up for so long and I think over the past year I have gotten a lot better. Unfortunately I still have an emotional breakdown at the sign that someone important in my life is leaving or what not. That is just one of the many things I have to learn to not fear. People leave. People change. Sometimes friendships fail no matter how much you want them to stay. Relationships end. My new favorite quote is "Sometimes the people you can't live without can live without you." And it's so true. You can't control that.
I blame myself for a lot of things. I think I'm excessively difficult to love a lot of the time. I think that I have faults that are sometimes hard to overlook. And I think that a lot of the time that becomes too much for people. I can't change who I am. I can change bad habits and bad qualities that I think need improved on. Typically those things do not change overnight. I think I've been working hard and I don't do things that I use to or sometimes I don't do them as much. I kind of just want to learn to let things go. If someone doesn't want to be with me or be my friend or whatever the scenario, then I have to respect that and let them go. I'm not going to spend my entire life begging people to stay. What sucks is that it hurts sometimes. A lot. And all I feel like doing is crying. Or I have this emptiness in my chest. But from past experience I know that it will fade. It won't ever go away. But it will fade. And life moves on.
So why not move with it. Try to shake things off. Don't sweat the small stuff. Don't stress over things you can not change. You can't change the way others feel if they are set in their mind. Let it go.
So yeah... the second one might take a bit of work... but we shall see.
(P.S. this is not a sign to anyone I am friends with that you should leave me. Nope. Not at all.)
Thursday, December 6, 2012
A few morning thoughts...
So this morning has been an odd one. I had some... random dreams last night. My daughter was oddly cheery, and I'm working an hour early... which is kind of typical.
Here is my thinking. I have a beautiful four year old daughter (almost five in February). I have a job I enjoy; two technically. I have family and great friends surrounding me.
Do you know that phrase "I'm alone in a crowded room." That is the feeling I have this morning.
Now, I'm not complaining about life. It's just an observation. But hear me out. I'm 27. My life is not dependent on getting married or having more kids, but I kind of want it. I'm not looking to rush down the isle, or rush into a relationship right now. I'm just saying I would like the option. And by God there are limited options. I'm that person that decides that I want something or someone and that something never works out or that someone doesn't want me back. Someday I want to be wanted. I don't want to be in a relationship with someone who would rather be somewhere else.
I want someone who loves my kid like their own. I want respect, encouragement, a friend, and a lover. All wrapped into one. I think I'm afraid that I'm going to sit back and watch all of my friends go through the normal life experiences (marriage, children, careers, financial stability, etc) and I'm going to just be sitting by, alone, struggling, and just... stuck. That terrifies me.
Now, I've said it before and I'll say it again. I'm difficult. Unbelievably so sometimes. I'm even surprised by the people in my life who stay. I always say "People always leave" like P. Sawyer in One Tree Hill. The truth is, people always leave because you make it impossible to stay. I don't want to be the crazy cat lady. Partially because I dislike cats. They are cute, but I do not want to own one... or twenty. My four year old asked me today why her daddy had a girl but mommy didn't have a boy. It's pathetic when your kid notices. LOL.
I don't want to rush anything. I don't want to get married now, or even six months from now. I don't even want to rush into a relationship. I have enough things to deal with then the complexities of someone else's life twisted with mine. I just want to know... if it's ever going to happen. Is someone ever going to look at me and think, "She's the one." I doubt it. But hey, that's how I think, right? If you don't expect much, you can't get hurt.
I'm trying to balance the old me with the new me. The new me gets emotional and attached and therefore hurt. The old me didn't give a fuck. I didn't care enough or have any expectations, so therefore when someone disappointed me, it didn't hit me as hard as it does now. I didn't care enough. There has to be a happy medium right? A place where you can care, but the minute disappointment peaks around the corner you can slam your doors shut? I might have to try that.
On a side (and totally random note). 7-Eleven has these ridiculous Christmas cups that Will Ferrell designed. And once I thought "These are ridiculous" I felt like an asshole because proceeds go to charity. I suck...
Here is my thinking. I have a beautiful four year old daughter (almost five in February). I have a job I enjoy; two technically. I have family and great friends surrounding me.
Do you know that phrase "I'm alone in a crowded room." That is the feeling I have this morning.
Now, I'm not complaining about life. It's just an observation. But hear me out. I'm 27. My life is not dependent on getting married or having more kids, but I kind of want it. I'm not looking to rush down the isle, or rush into a relationship right now. I'm just saying I would like the option. And by God there are limited options. I'm that person that decides that I want something or someone and that something never works out or that someone doesn't want me back. Someday I want to be wanted. I don't want to be in a relationship with someone who would rather be somewhere else.
I want someone who loves my kid like their own. I want respect, encouragement, a friend, and a lover. All wrapped into one. I think I'm afraid that I'm going to sit back and watch all of my friends go through the normal life experiences (marriage, children, careers, financial stability, etc) and I'm going to just be sitting by, alone, struggling, and just... stuck. That terrifies me.
Now, I've said it before and I'll say it again. I'm difficult. Unbelievably so sometimes. I'm even surprised by the people in my life who stay. I always say "People always leave" like P. Sawyer in One Tree Hill. The truth is, people always leave because you make it impossible to stay. I don't want to be the crazy cat lady. Partially because I dislike cats. They are cute, but I do not want to own one... or twenty. My four year old asked me today why her daddy had a girl but mommy didn't have a boy. It's pathetic when your kid notices. LOL.
I don't want to rush anything. I don't want to get married now, or even six months from now. I don't even want to rush into a relationship. I have enough things to deal with then the complexities of someone else's life twisted with mine. I just want to know... if it's ever going to happen. Is someone ever going to look at me and think, "She's the one." I doubt it. But hey, that's how I think, right? If you don't expect much, you can't get hurt.
I'm trying to balance the old me with the new me. The new me gets emotional and attached and therefore hurt. The old me didn't give a fuck. I didn't care enough or have any expectations, so therefore when someone disappointed me, it didn't hit me as hard as it does now. I didn't care enough. There has to be a happy medium right? A place where you can care, but the minute disappointment peaks around the corner you can slam your doors shut? I might have to try that.
On a side (and totally random note). 7-Eleven has these ridiculous Christmas cups that Will Ferrell designed. And once I thought "These are ridiculous" I felt like an asshole because proceeds go to charity. I suck...
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