How to Love Life

I have noticed more and more lately that I hear people (and I am guilty of this too) talk about the What Ifs of the future. What if I do this and this happens. What if I try this and I fail. What if I fall in love and my heart gets broken.

My response... What if? What is going to happen if you try something new and you hate it? You've learned something about yourself. What if you make a change in your life and you fail? You get up and try again. Make changes and try different things until it does work. What if you fall in love and that person breaks your heart? It's going to happen at some point. Everyone has pain in their life. Everyone suffers heart break at some point.

From someone who has been there... it sucks. I know this. You know this. Hence why you are trying to avoid it. For me, though, all those heart breaks, failures, and attempts were worth it. They teach you things. They teach you things about yourself and what you expect and will take. They teach what you can handle. They teach you about other people and what types of people you want to surround yourself with and which you do not.

You're going to be able to recover. Try things. Don't worry about "What if this relationship fails?" Take charge and TRY! Because thing about it. What if you don't fail? What if that relationship is THE relationship? What if that person is THE person? What if you find something you are amazing at? Meet someone new? Those are memories. I know that not all my friendships, relationships, and attempts and different things in life have gone accordingly to plan. But I appreciate every last one of those experiences. They are memories I can not replace. They are amazing times with amazing people. Don't regret those moments you didn't try!

I enjoy experiences even if I don't expect them to last. You may NEVER get to have that moment again. Grasp it. Embrace it. If you are happy, who cares if it could be heartache later. You are happy now. Don't spoil anything with a "What if..." moment. That What If will come back to bite you.

And regrets are not good. That experience you let pass because you were worried what COULD happen. I've had that event I didn't attend, but I wished I would. That guy I should have admitted my feelings for. Things might be different now had those feelings been admitted all those years ago. But you have to live with those things. So don't let those happen. Embrace life. Love every experience, good and bad. Because even though things may hurt... that pain fades and something amazing comes along.

Love life!

A few morning thoughts...

So this morning has been an odd one. I had some... random dreams last night. My daughter was oddly cheery, and I'm working an hour early... which is kind of typical.

Here is my thinking. I have a beautiful four year old daughter (almost five in February). I have a job I enjoy; two technically. I have family and great friends surrounding me.

Do you know that phrase "I'm alone in a crowded room." That is the feeling I have this morning.

Now, I'm not complaining about life. It's just an observation. But hear me out. I'm 27. My life is not dependent on getting married or having more kids, but I kind of want it. I'm not looking to rush down the isle, or rush into a relationship right now. I'm just saying I would like the option. And by God there are limited options. I'm that person that decides that I want something or someone and that something never works out or that someone doesn't want me back. Someday I want to be wanted. I don't want to be in a relationship with someone who would rather be somewhere else.

I want someone who loves my kid like their own. I want respect, encouragement, a friend, and a lover. All wrapped into one. I think I'm afraid that I'm going to sit back and watch all of my friends go through the normal life experiences (marriage, children, careers, financial stability, etc) and I'm going to just be sitting by, alone, struggling, and just... stuck. That terrifies me.

Now, I've said it before and I'll say it again. I'm difficult. Unbelievably so sometimes. I'm even surprised by the people in my life who stay. I always say "People always leave" like P. Sawyer in One Tree Hill. The truth is, people always leave because you make it impossible to stay. I don't want to be the crazy cat lady. Partially because I dislike cats. They are cute, but I do not want to own one... or twenty. My four year old asked me today why her daddy had a girl but mommy didn't have a boy. It's pathetic when your kid notices. LOL.

I don't want to rush anything. I don't want to get married now, or even six months from now. I don't even want to rush into a relationship. I have enough things to deal with then the complexities of someone else's life twisted with mine. I just want to know... if it's ever going to happen. Is someone ever going to look at me and think, "She's the one." I doubt it. But hey, that's how I think, right? If you don't expect much, you can't get hurt.

I'm trying to balance the old me with the new me. The new me gets emotional and attached and therefore hurt. The old me didn't give a fuck. I didn't care enough or have any expectations, so therefore when someone disappointed me, it didn't hit me as hard as it does now. I didn't care enough. There has to be a happy medium right? A place where you can care, but the minute disappointment peaks around the corner you can slam your doors shut? I might have to try that.

On a side (and totally random note). 7-Eleven has these ridiculous Christmas cups that Will Ferrell designed. And once I thought "These are ridiculous" I felt like an asshole because proceeds go to charity. I suck...

I need to simplify life...

So I don't really do the whole New Year's resolution thing. It's just another way to set yourself up for failure. What does it usually entail? I'm going to lose weight. Work out more. Be healthier. Stop drinking soda. Quit smoking. Blah Blah Blah. If you do New Year's resolutions and succeed... you deserve a huge high five and some pretty medal to hang on your wall. It's hard.

BUT... this year I am going to make a life change. And I'm not going to wait until January. I'm going to do it now. I want to simplify my life. It's very vague, so therefore ANY success is a win for me.

I think sometimes people make life way more complicated than it needs to be. You tell yourself you are going to be this chill person and the next thing you know you are stressing out, ripping your hair out, running around like you've lost your head, and so on. That's me. The running around with no head person. I don't want to do that anymore. Life is too short. There are too many great things out there to enjoy.

The first way I want to simplify life is to make sure I think of at least one thing every single day that makes my day worth it. Waking up each morning is a good one. That is a given. Something different every day. What am I thankful for? Why is today a great day, despite anything that may be going wrong?

Second, try not to worry so much. I do this thing where I crawl inside my own head and allow things to build to unnecessary heights. Or I clog my filter and therefore say shit I shouldn't say or really isn't what I'm thinking, but that is the thought that escaped. I don't want to do that anymore. I want to not try and control things that are out of my control. Go with the flow.

Third, simply be thankful for what I have. I have some of the best friends in the world. Sometimes I get crazy and worry that they are going to disappear or something is going to rip us apart, because that is what I have experienced in the past. I don't want to live in the past. I don't want that. I want to just... be. I want to not worry about the "what if's" in life. Those things are what make you think irrational thoughts. What if? Well... if something happens, it is meant to happen. I hope that my small group of amazing friends is forever with me. I hope we get to be friends forever. No matter what. They all know who they are. It would shatter my world if something tore us apart and I don't want that. I love them.

Four, Just fucking relax. I think too much. Seriously. There is always thoughts running in my mind that are very... damaging. LOL. Not in a kill myself sort of way. More of the "what if" I was just talking about. I need to just relax. Let it happen. Life is full of ups and downs. Things are going to happen and it's going to feel like the end of the world. Relationships will begin and end. My heart will be broken on more than one occasion. My chest will get that empty feeling as if a part of me is missing. And no matter how hard it is... I have to realize that one day it will just... stop. I will feel better. It may leave scars emotionally, but that's what make people beautiful. All those scars shape them into the person they are. So it will suck... but it will also get better. And if it doesn't, maybe you should chase after whatever it is you lost. It's obviously meant to be a part of you in some way. Maybe not the way you had hoped, but in some way. I'm not saying you should settle... but take a moment to think. Say it's a person. Would you rather be without them completely or just rearrange your relationship with them? If it's an opportunity missed... maybe that specific one was not suppose to happen, but you shouldn't not chase your dream just because of that one thing. Relax. Let life take you. You aren't in control of it. Fate is. Trust her.

And last (for now), I just want to be happy. I have a beautiful daughter who is the center of my universe. What more could I actually ask for? She's healthy, happy, and well taken care of. I have a roof over my head, food on the table. Sometimes the bills are tight. Or I'm not real sure where gas is coming from for the week. I want to let it go. If I can't change it, I don't want to worry about it at that moment.

Simplify life. Experience things I haven't experienced. Appreciate the things I have and do. Love the people around me, flaws and all, because God knows they love me with all my flaws (I have more than plenty). I'm a difficult person. I'm a difficult person to love I think. For those people who have stuck by my side, even when I have screwed up repeatedly, I thank you. I know some of those screw ups would give full right to walk away and never look back. I would have understood if you had. So thank you so much for sticking around. I promise to actively try to improve myself. Make myself a better person for me, my daughter, and everyone in my life. If I can work on myself, maybe some will love me more. Or new people will come into my life. And maybe I won't end up the cat lady, alone the rest of my life (although... it would be ok if I did. Well... maybe dogs.). Life is short. Don't put up walls stopping yourself from doing things. Whatever happens. Go with the flow. And try not to be too disappointed if everything you ever wanted doesn't come true or happen for you. Cry it out. Shake it off and try and believe that something better will come along.

So yeah... simplify life.

Keep Going

Somewhere... someone said "God only gives you what you can handle." Well... I really hope this is true. Do you ever feel like maybe it's a test to see how far you can be pushed? Right to the breaking point, but never over? Yeah... me too.

This is what I think though. I think we should try and overcome that. If things are going bad... it sucks. I know. I've been there. I AM there. But things will get better.

Say you have money problems. Look around you. Do you have a roof over your head? Some food (maybe not what you are craving, but food none-the-less) in your cupboard? Beautiful children running around? A warm place to sleep? A pillow to rest your head on? If you answered yes to ANY of these... I'd say you are better than some, maybe most.

All you have to do is tell yourself to keep going. Keep pushing forward. Don't stop. Keep going! Because when you least expect it, something will pop up and save the day and you will feel SO much better. Just keep going.

Weekly Rant!

TOPIC 1: Let me start with some random ramblings. Some of the Colorado victim shooting victims and/or their families have hired Jose Baez to represent them in their civil suit against the movie theater. For those who do not watch the news (or live under a rock), Jose Baez is the one that got Casey Anthony off from murder. You know... Casey "I swear I dropped my kid at the babysitter but miraculously her dead body popped up a mile from my house" Anthony. Let's not even get me started on that case. So anyway, they are suing the movie theater. Because... you know... it was CLEARLY the movie theaters fault that some doctoral student who couldn't keep his head in the game went WAY off his rocker and shot up a movie theater. It was there fault that he went out and came back in with a gun. What else would you have liked them to do? He didn't walk through the front door with a machine gun strapped around him and they didn't just waive him in anyway. He went out the emergency exit. Mind you... I guarantee they are going to bring up some stupid thing that says "that door should only be for emergencies". Well duh! But had that door been locked, then someone would be suing the theater for the fact that the emergency exit couldn't be used in the event of a fire. It's not the theaters fault. It's that crazy dude who couldn't handle his life. Sue him. Sue his parents for bad genetics (that wouldn't be right either btw...). But do not sue the movie theater who did everything they could to help. Bad things happen. Sometimes there is nobody else to blame but the single individual who will never see the light of day again. Justice is being served. Suing the theater is not going to bring your brother, father, sister, friend, or child back. They will still be gone. Money might make you feel better for now, but that void is always going to be there. Why ruin the lives of others in the process? I don't get it. I think people are greedy. I don't blame them. I blame grief. It's a bitch.

Moving on...

TOPIC 2: Someone shot up outside the Empire State Building this morning. Some disgruntled worker I guess. Take a freakin zanax! Stop shooting each other! We all want our freedom... and people get so mad when the government talks about changing our gun laws, but we keep going around killing each other! By we... I mean all those crazy people (Not WE as in me and my readers). Seriously, take yoga... meditate... read a book.... listen to calming waves from the ocean... or take your anger out on a punching bag. Do NOT... I repeat DO NOT shoot up strangers in the street! What the hell did they do!?

TOPIC 3: Can we pleeeease stop talking about Kstew and Rpattz. I get it... they broke up. We are sad. Kstew screwed up. She KNOWS! You do not have to remind her every day of her life! I'm certain she is sad enough. People make mistakes. Nobody would care if she wasn't your precious Bella dating the beautiful Edward. The funny thing is that you don't hear about people ripping Sanders. Is that his last name? Rupert, right? I hear so little about him I don't even know if I have his name right. The married man with 2 kids she trotted off with! Why do we not hear about him? It's not like Kstew drugged him and forced him to cheat. He is just as guilty! He is MARRIED! Kristen was in a relationship but he is MARRIED. With KIDS! Come on! How is that not worse!? I'm a firm believer that people can change. Stop bringing up the same shit. Let them heal and try to move on or grow from it.

Until next week...

To Fake a Smile...

There has been so much going on lately that I literally have the urge to scream and pull my hair at the same time. You ever have one of those weeks where it starts out.... God... so fucking good. You literally can not imagine things getting better... and then you go and do something ridiculously stupid and it crumbles around you? Yeah... you know what I mean. Well... to sum up the end of my week, I feel as though I am officially standing on the rubble that once was the perfection of my life. Yeah... that bad.

So we are going to talk about life. My life to be exact. A little back story to start. Life is not always easy. Obviously. I don't have to preach that. I've been in many relationships before. Whether those be actual relationships with men, friendships, or acquaintances. Either way you look at it, some of those blossom and some of them fall apart. There was a time that me and my bestie absolutely hated each other. Now I can't imagine life without her. I'm fairly certain we will ram each other with our wheelchairs later in life. A lot of my relationships in the past have been... horrible. Some were good and then went bad. I don't think I've ever been in a relationship where it was good and ended good. I'm not use to things being good. Every time things get good, I cover my head because I know something is about to fall out of the sky and hit me. The problem with my demented past is that it tends to creep up and ruin things for my future. I make a friend or get in a relationship and things start looking good and bam... before anything bad can happen, I fuck it up. Why? Because I was always trained that if you don't want to watch people leave, you leave first.

I know what you are thinking. This girl is mental! It's very possible. I might need medication or a nice jacket to help hug myself.

Then you meet people (my bestie is one) where you really want it to work out. You really want that relationship to stay a part of your life. So you adapt. It may take a while. You may screw up a few times. You may push so hard that the other person backs up even. The good thing is that sometimes they push back. They want to be in your life as much as you want them to. Sometimes, though, you push a bit too hard and there is nothing you can do but watch it fall apart. Recently, and no I am not going to name names... I pushed a bit too hard I think. And I'm not sure this person is going to push back.

You know that feeling you get when you are so sad. It can be when someone dies, when you break up, when you fight with your friend, argue with your parents, say something mean but not have meant it, whatever. That feeling in your chest where you feel like something is squeezing your heart, and probably your lungs. And you can not shake it. I hate that feeling. I have that feeling.

I want to clarify something to those people who I have shoved in the past, or in my present... I don't do it because I don't want you as a part of my life. It's like this horribly fucked up instinct in my brain that triggers. I would like to believe that I am growing as a person. I've made some adjustments in recent months of my life that I think make me a better person. I've brought people into my life (into meaning where I only let a select few) that make me a better person and make me want to be a better person. So if I shove you away or I do something crazy, know I don't mean it. I'm still working on the programming that makes me do these things. It's a hard habit to break, but I'm working on it. All I ask is that you don't give up on me. I don't love easily and I am damn sure aware that I am not easy to love. So when I do, I love hard. And if it's someone I have let into those inner barriers that I hold so near and dear to protecting myself, and they leave, it's like my breath is taken away. I get so sad. So sad.

I'm fairly good at pretending. I can go to work with a smile on my face, laugh with my coworkers or clients, and pretend like all is right in the world. But all girls know that we are the best at hiding our feelings when we want to. We can put our heart on our sleeve if we want, but if we don't want you to know how we are inside, you will never know.

A dear friend of mine recently told me that the phrase "too good to be true" is a hard one to combat. How are you suppose to win against that? How are you suppose to win someone over who is always thinking that there is something bad right behind the good? I never really looked at it like that. Maybe it's too late now though.

There are people in my life who I am so afraid of losing. I can't help but wonder if there are people who are afraid of losing me.