Sexual Questions by Cosmo

Cosmo is my new manual. I used to swear against it because it was just so... girly... but oh man I love it! I've made sure to get the last few issues and its freakin awesome. It even brings me closer to my coworkers. Funny story... so I'm sitting at my desk today reading an article called "100 Crazy, Dirty Sex Questions (Answered in 20 Words or Less)" and I decide to share a few with my co-worker Toren. Yes... he's a guy. And soon we find ourselves in this ongoing conversation about penises, vaginas, animal sex, and all the stuff in between. SO I figured I would share a few of my favorites... and his... and then you will have enough incentive to go pick up the October issue... (Pictured above with the lovely Lauren Conrad on the cover). 

A FEW CRAZY, DIRTY SEX QUESTIONS (from Cosmo)

(And commentary by me)

2. If you have a bigger clitoris, is it easier to orgasm? Nope. Every clitoris has the same number of nerve endings (8,000), so they're equally sensitive. (No wonder they call it a 'doorbell' You push it and someone comes! HAHA)

8. Is there a subtle way to spit out semen after oral sex? Not really. Use a tissue or go to the bathroom if it's nearby. (REALLY!? If you are going to do the deed at least finish the job! Swallow it and live with it! It's protein... good for you! Just be careful... according to question number 31, semen has 36 calories per teaspoon. So if you are watching your weight....)

18. Why is semen so gooey? (HAHA... this makes me laugh!) So it can stick to the back of the vagina, where the sperm need to go to make a baby. (Tell me that doesn't make you laugh... except the 'make a baby' part. Been there... done that. No more anytime soon!)

22. What's the smallest penis ever recorded? Five-eigths of an inch. (Now you are probably thinking what I am thinking... how old was this person? BUT... I did some research and it turns out that there really are disorders that cause little willy syndrome. 1. Micropenis (simple I know...) is where most of the penis is INSIDE the body. 2. Congenital Hypoplasia: the glands of the penis are attached directly to the pubis, therefore causing a lack of a shaft. So say thanks to www.askmen.com for that answer.)

23. Can a guy break his penis, since its not a bone? Yep. It usually happens when it forcefully hits another object by accident (like your pelvic bone or the headboard). (Did you hear that ladies? It was the sound of all the men cringing in pain at the thought! HAHA! Anyway... they go on in number 24 to tell us "How do I know if it breaks? His penis will make a popping sound, and it will bruise almost immediately." And there is that cringing again. Very interesting though. At least I thought so.

36. Is it life-threatening for a guy to blow air up your vadge while going down on you or is that an urban legend? It's dangerous, since an air bubble could travel to your heart, causing a fatal embolism. (And that my friends is all the women cringing. Let me tell you something... let a man blow up my "vadge" and I will donkey kick his ass across the room as I grab my clothes and run for the hills! I wonder if that would be considered murder? You could probably totally get away with it too!)

38. Do animals (besides us) masturbal? Yes. Actually, a lot do. Deer and monkeys are just two examples. (DEER? Really? That would be something I would totally pay to see! Monkeys... I get. They are just like us) 39. Wait, even female animals? Uh-huh. Lady apes and monkeys have been observed using stick for solo sessions. (OWIE! That just sounds painful as shit! But again... something I would pay to see. Very interesting.)

59. Can a guy ejaculate and pee at the same time? Nope. Just before climax, the tube leading to his bladder seals off so semen can shoot through his penis. (Did they just say 'shoot'? I've got nothing...)

73. I've heard its unsafe to do it on a trampoline. Why? If things get bouncy, his penis can slip out and ricochet off the trampoline, breaking it. (I think I cringed at that one. RICOCHET... that is the word they chose to use. LOL. SO FUNNY! That goes right along with the "can his penis break" question from before. I can honestly say I never thought I would REALLY want to have sex on a trampoline anyway. 

98. Which animal has the longest penis? Whale penises clock in at 10 feet long. (And if you are like certain people in my life that don't believe Cosmo... Look HERE! But I warned you... that is definitely an X-rated file. And if my eyes are not playing tricks... I believe the man is holding a bag like he is going to catch the.... nevermind. Click the picture! 

And with that I shall wrap up my Cosmo Sexual Questions blog. Gotta love it. That is only a few of the 100 they listed... and by God they are funny so go buy Cosmo and read it! Guys... you are allowed to as well. Cuz it is very beneficial to you too! It's like a manual to women! (As all the men flock to the news stands). So on that... have a very sexual day. 

** As I am writing this blog my friend... who we shall call L.... IMs me with "I find the phrase 'Loading Skin' disturbing..." and I collapse in a fit of hysterics. Thanks L!**

"Shit My Dad Says..."

If you haven't heard about this book... you need to go buy it. I'm going to asap! Justin Halpern started a twitter page to list all the stuff his 74 year old father says to him. The thing grew into mass proportions (Currently he has over 1.5 million followers) and apparently it encouraged him to write a book. Now there is EVERYTHING in this book. So again... I was already thinking of picking it up... when I open my brand new issue of Cosmo this morning at work... (October has Lauren Conrad on the front... love her!) and there is an article called "Shit My Dad Says... About Women and Sex". And it's all stuff out of this new book that involve Women and Sex. I laughed reading some of this shit. It is hilarious! So here is a few pieces from the Cosmo article.

On Getting a Job as a Cook at Hooters

"You, my good man, are not as dumb as I first fucking suspected."

On Friendship

"You've got good friends. I like them. I don't think they would fuck your girlfriend, if you had one."

On Finding My Porn Stash

"You shouldn't have left that porno in our VCR. Your penis betrayed you, son. Made you think stupid. It won't be the last time that happens."

Now if you don't think any of that is funny... what the hell are you doing on my blog? Seriously... its funny and I think you should totally go buy the book. I'm just sayin'. Go buy it... and Cosmo... cuz Cosmo is amazing. Right now... go... I'm waiting...

The Nova Echo's new EP!

As you all know, I am a HUGE Nova Echo fan! They are fan-freakin-tastic and it just so happens, that they have released a brand new EP. Best part about it? It's free! Yes, you heard me... FREE!!! So I would highly recommend you swing on over to their website and buy it. The link is below. And share it with your friends. It's free music so you can download it and enjoy it and share it and nobody pays a dime. ALTHOUGH... it would be great that if you do love it... you can swing over to their website and donate to them the amount you feel it is worth. So do it... for me... please...

Download the new EP here!
Check them out on Myspace here!

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Affairs among friends

It bothers me when people mess with my friends. Like... really pisses me off. So when it effects my relationship with my friends... it REALLY pisses me off. The fact that I have to make an appointment with my friend because he fears for his life... PISSES me off! I mean really... I'm not afraid of you. I'm not afraid of what you THINK you could do. Just know... if you continue to make my life... as well as my friends life... hell. I will have no choice but to destroy you. I don't like you. I don't like the things you do. You piss me off. So do me a favor and stay away from me. Thanks.

The sexual rating system...

The sexual rating system always seems to turn to food. A dear friend of mine, who shall remain nameless, turned me on to this little rating system. It also has to do with everyone thinking that sex needs to be compared to food. No idea where it came from, but I'm going to run with it. The female-ice cream sexual rating system... continue on...

Vanilla ice cream. It's good... it gets the job done... but sometimes it just needs something. Sprinkles... mixings... a little chocolate syrup (oh the ideas!). Either way... vanilla is boring. Who wants plain 'ol vanilla ice cream? I mean... it better have some freakin spunk to it. Vanilla means YOU are boring, for those boys reading this. It means you better find a way to work with your manhood or it ain't gonna get any for much longer.

Chocolate Ice Cream. Now this is a whole different story. Chocolate is calming and yummy. It's... delicious. It's not boring. It could be spruced up with some ingredients... but its good plain. It definitely gets the job done and makes you want a second serving.

Now... a friend of mine said that chocolate ain't good enough. Rocky Road is apparently the best. I've never had anything I would consider Rocky Road so by all means, if you know where I can find it, let me know. Because it sounds delicious! Either way... this goes along with black scrunchies. Mind blowing sex! Yes... please!

And with that... I'm going to go eat some ice cream!

The Scrunchie System

If you are wondering what the hell I am talking about... then this post is for you. If you don't recall, a long time ago I blogged about scrunchies... a LOOOOONG time ago. If you missed it... check it out here! It's very VERY vague though. Actually, it's like 3 words. But either way... I figured if you don't know the scrunchie system... you deserve to. So here is the breakdown.

The Scrunchie System (TSS) is a guide for girls to know when it is safe to enter your friends room/hotel room. The color scrunchie on the door will let you know whether you want to enter or not. So here it is... read carefully.

Yellow: This is more of a caution than a do not enter. Yellow means that one or more of the occupants are topless. So you might get a flash of tit... or you may just seem a topless male. At this stage it is fairly safe to enter still.

Pink: I love pink. Pink is the stage where you have made the decision that it is going to farther than just a heated make out session, but you aren't quite to the stage of penetration yet. It's that 'we're almost naked' and 'hands roaming' stage. If you enter a room with a pink scrunchie on the door... be prepared to see private parts... because it is very possible.

Blue: You are entering the dark side. Blue means there is some intercourse happening. The good news is... if you were absolutely forced to enter... it would be normal, regular, boring sex. Missionary... something of that nature. So it wouldn't be hard to started the pair and have them cover up quickly. But still... do you want to walk in at all knowing they are booty ass naked?

Red: What does red normally mean? It means STOP! Think about what you are doing. If someone puts a red scrunchie on the door handle, do you really want to find out why? If you lean close enough you will probably hear it. This is some kinky positions... screaming... scratching... maybe a bit of biting... This means that the pair has entered the deep lust of not giving a shit if you walk in or not. They are humping like rabbits and don't care that you exist. It's hard core... hot... dirty talk... all the good shit.

Black: (I have to write in green because I can't write in black when black is the background) TURN AROUND AND RUN AWAY! If you have someone that is hanging black scrunchies on the door... it means that you DO NOT... I repeat... DO NOT want to know what is going on. This is down right dirty, kinky, nasty, fuckin'. That is all. No making love... No slow passionate moves. It is hard core... putting shit in places that it shouldn't be... bending in ways you only dream of... Sex. *Shivers* So do as you are told... and DO NOT enter.

So there you have it... the scale of scrunchies. The TSS system. So now you know if you walk by a hotel room or a door and see a scrunchie... keep walking. Or better yet... take it off. Then when there friends come and walk in... oh the laughs! I'm kidding. Respect the system because it works wonders when you are sharing a room with friends.

Until next time... hold on to your black scrunchies ladies... I'm not sure you can handle it.