So it's been quite a while since I've posted anything on here. My posts range from incredibly inappropriate and risque to highly revealing and emotional. This happens to be the second of the two.
I've known for the last five years or so that I have quite the damaged soul and heart from past relationships. I don't typically think too much about it, and I just live my life the way I have these past couple years. I have friends I would do anything for and I have my family, including my beautiful four year old mini-me who likes to terrorize my every waking moment. This is all I need. Or so I thought.
In recent months, it was brought to my attention the actual details of my closed off lifestyle. I keep people behind a very high, sturdy, layered set of walls that protect me from having to feel too much or handle things that have tried to ruin me in the past. I tend to attack when I feel threatened, even if the threat is simply my mind playing tricks on me. And I push away people that don't deserve it, simply out of fear of them getting too close. Those close to me understand that. They happened to get lucky enough to be let on the inside, whether they were there before I put the walls up or they made the effort to climb over. Either way, the set up is quite elaborate and I wasn't ashamed of that. You can't get hurt if you don't let people in. Simple as that.
The problem I am coming to find is that, on occasion, someone comes along and you are convinced to lower those walls. Now, you would think this is a good thing. My anxiety level soars in these instances. For those who know me, you are aware that I say what is on my mind (sometimes without thinking about it first), I'm well known for being 'the bitch' (which I embrace most of the time), and I'm the go to person if you need help with a bully, problem, etc. Emotions don't suit me. I'm really, really bad at emotions. I laugh at funerals for crying out loud. Not intentionally, of course, but something about the level of sadness and emotions flowing at such an event makes my body react in the complete opposite way and I find myself with tears... but of laughter. Tell me that isn't a bit fucked up?
I don't like feeling vulnerable. I don't like crying. In fact, I absolutely hate crying and tend to get angry when I do. But lately, I've let some of my emotions get the better of me. I don't like the feeling of relying on people. Peyton Sawyer (P. Sawyer), on One Tree Hill, said it best. People always leave. It doesn't matter how much you love them, want them around, show them you care, etc. Sooner or later they leave. The loving, wanting, and caring isn't the part that terrifies me. It's the leaving. I don't handle heartbreak, heartache, or sadness well. Typically when I get in this deep, Flight or Fight becomes the options. Flight is the one that wins. But lately I found that I'm considering the fight option too. That has to show some form of improvement, right? Running can't always be the answer. At the same time, dealing with the consequences and side effects of fighting takes it's toll and I find myself right back at the beginning, wanting to throw up every single wall and build a few extras that I had originally lowered.
It makes you question things. Am I unlovable? Am I really that difficult? Will there ever be someone who is willing to fight for you? Are you worth fighting for?
I think the hardest lesson I've ever learned comes down to this...
Sometimes the people you can't live without, can live without you.
And that is shattering.
Wednesday, May 9, 2012
Monday, April 16, 2012
Science or Faith?
Professor : You are a Christian, aren’t you, son ?
Student : Yes, sir.
Professor: So, you believe in GOD ?
Student : Absolutely, sir.
Professor : Is GOD good ?
Student : Sure.
Professor: Is GOD all powerful ?
Student : Yes.
Professor: My brother died of cancer even though he prayed to GOD to heal him. Most of us would attempt to help others who are ill. But GOD didn’t. How is this GOD good then? Hmm?
(Student was silent.)
Professor: You can’t answer, can you ? Let’s start again, young fella. Is GOD good?
Student : Yes.
Professor: Is satan good ?
Student : No.
Professor: Where does satan come from ?
Student : From … GOD …
Professor: That’s right. Tell me son, is there evil in this world?
Student : Yes.
Professor: Evil is everywhere, isn’t it ? And GOD did make everything. Correct?
Student : Yes.
Professor: So who created evil ?
(Student did not answer.)
Professor: Is there sickness? Immorality? Hatred? Ugliness? All these terrible things exist in the world, don’t they?
Student : Yes, sir.
Professor: So, who created them ?
(Student had no answer.)
Professor: Science says you have 5 Senses you use to identify and observe the world around you. Tell me, son, have you ever seen GOD?
Student : No, sir.
Professor: Tell us if you have ever heard your GOD?
Student : No , sir.
Professor: Have you ever felt your GOD, tasted your GOD, smelt your GOD? Have you ever had any sensory perception of GOD for that matter?
Student : No, sir. I’m afraid I haven’t.
Professor: Yet you still believe in Him?
Student : Yes.
Professor : According to Empirical, Testable, Demonstrable Protocol, Science says your GOD doesn’t exist. What do you say to that, son?
Student : Nothing. I only have my faith.
Professor: Yes, faith. And that is the problem Science has.
Student : Professor, is there such a thing as heat?
Professor: Yes.
Student : And is there such a thing as cold?
Professor: Yes.
Student : No, sir. There isn’t.
(The lecture theater became very quiet with this turn of events.)
Student : Sir, you can have lots of heat, even more heat, superheat, mega heat, white heat, a little heat or no heat. But we don’t have anything called cold. We can hit 458 degrees below zero which is no heat, but we can’t go any further after that. There is no such thing as cold. Cold is only a word we use to describe the absence of heat. We cannot measure cold. Heat is energy. Cold is not the opposite of heat, sir, just the absence of it.
(There was pin-drop silence in the lecture theater.)
Student : What about darkness, Professor? Is there such a thing as darkness?
Professor: Yes. What is night if there isn’t darkness?
Student : You’re wrong again, sir. Darkness is the absence of something. You can have low light, normal light, bright light, flashing light. But if you have no light constantly, you have nothing and its called darkness, isn’t it? In reality, darkness isn’t. If it is, well you would be able to make darkness darker, wouldn’t you?
Professor: So what is the point you are making, young man ?
Student : Sir, my point is your philosophical premise is flawed.
Professor: Flawed ? Can you explain how?
Student : Sir, you are working on the premise of duality. You argue there is life and then there is death, a good GOD and a bad GOD. You are viewing the concept of GOD as something finite, something we can measure. Sir, Science can’t even explain a thought. It uses electricity and magnetism, but has never seen, much less fully understood either one. To view death as the opposite of life is to be ignorant of the fact that death cannot exist as a substantive thing.
Death is not the opposite of life: just the absence of it. Now tell me, Professor, do you teach your students that they evolved from a monkey?
Professor: If you are referring to the natural evolutionary process, yes, of course, I do.
Student : Have you ever observed evolution with your own eyes, sir?
(The Professor shook his head with a smile, beginning to realize where the argument was going.)
Student : Since no one has ever observed the process of evolution at work and cannot even prove that this process is an on-going endeavor. Are you not teaching your opinion, sir? Are you not a scientist but a preacher?
(The class was in uproar.)
Student : Is there anyone in the class who has ever seen the Professor’s brain?
(The class broke out into laughter. )
Student : Is there anyone here who has ever heard the Professor’s brain, felt it, touched or smelt it? No one appears to have done so. So, according to the established Rules of Empirical, Stable, Demonstrable Protocol, Science says that you have no brain, sir. With all due respect, sir, how do we then trust your lectures, sir?
(The room was silent. The Professor stared at the student, his face unfathomable.)
Professor: I guess you’ll have to take them on faith, son.
Student : That is it sir … Exactly ! The link between man & GOD is FAITH. That is all that keeps things alive and moving.
P.S.
I believe you have enjoyed the conversation. And if so, you’ll probably want your friends / colleagues to enjoy the same, won’t you?
Forward this to increase their knowledge … or FAITH.
By the way, that student was EINSTEIN.
Student : Yes, sir.
Professor: So, you believe in GOD ?
Student : Absolutely, sir.
Professor : Is GOD good ?
Student : Sure.
Professor: Is GOD all powerful ?
Student : Yes.
Professor: My brother died of cancer even though he prayed to GOD to heal him. Most of us would attempt to help others who are ill. But GOD didn’t. How is this GOD good then? Hmm?
(Student was silent.)
Professor: You can’t answer, can you ? Let’s start again, young fella. Is GOD good?
Student : Yes.
Professor: Is satan good ?
Student : No.
Professor: Where does satan come from ?
Student : From … GOD …
Professor: That’s right. Tell me son, is there evil in this world?
Student : Yes.
Professor: Evil is everywhere, isn’t it ? And GOD did make everything. Correct?
Student : Yes.
Professor: So who created evil ?
(Student did not answer.)
Professor: Is there sickness? Immorality? Hatred? Ugliness? All these terrible things exist in the world, don’t they?
Student : Yes, sir.
Professor: So, who created them ?
(Student had no answer.)
Professor: Science says you have 5 Senses you use to identify and observe the world around you. Tell me, son, have you ever seen GOD?
Student : No, sir.
Professor: Tell us if you have ever heard your GOD?
Student : No , sir.
Professor: Have you ever felt your GOD, tasted your GOD, smelt your GOD? Have you ever had any sensory perception of GOD for that matter?
Student : No, sir. I’m afraid I haven’t.
Professor: Yet you still believe in Him?
Student : Yes.
Professor : According to Empirical, Testable, Demonstrable Protocol, Science says your GOD doesn’t exist. What do you say to that, son?
Student : Nothing. I only have my faith.
Professor: Yes, faith. And that is the problem Science has.
Student : Professor, is there such a thing as heat?
Professor: Yes.
Student : And is there such a thing as cold?
Professor: Yes.
Student : No, sir. There isn’t.
(The lecture theater became very quiet with this turn of events.)
Student : Sir, you can have lots of heat, even more heat, superheat, mega heat, white heat, a little heat or no heat. But we don’t have anything called cold. We can hit 458 degrees below zero which is no heat, but we can’t go any further after that. There is no such thing as cold. Cold is only a word we use to describe the absence of heat. We cannot measure cold. Heat is energy. Cold is not the opposite of heat, sir, just the absence of it.
(There was pin-drop silence in the lecture theater.)
Student : What about darkness, Professor? Is there such a thing as darkness?
Professor: Yes. What is night if there isn’t darkness?
Student : You’re wrong again, sir. Darkness is the absence of something. You can have low light, normal light, bright light, flashing light. But if you have no light constantly, you have nothing and its called darkness, isn’t it? In reality, darkness isn’t. If it is, well you would be able to make darkness darker, wouldn’t you?
Professor: So what is the point you are making, young man ?
Student : Sir, my point is your philosophical premise is flawed.
Professor: Flawed ? Can you explain how?
Student : Sir, you are working on the premise of duality. You argue there is life and then there is death, a good GOD and a bad GOD. You are viewing the concept of GOD as something finite, something we can measure. Sir, Science can’t even explain a thought. It uses electricity and magnetism, but has never seen, much less fully understood either one. To view death as the opposite of life is to be ignorant of the fact that death cannot exist as a substantive thing.
Death is not the opposite of life: just the absence of it. Now tell me, Professor, do you teach your students that they evolved from a monkey?
Professor: If you are referring to the natural evolutionary process, yes, of course, I do.
Student : Have you ever observed evolution with your own eyes, sir?
(The Professor shook his head with a smile, beginning to realize where the argument was going.)
Student : Since no one has ever observed the process of evolution at work and cannot even prove that this process is an on-going endeavor. Are you not teaching your opinion, sir? Are you not a scientist but a preacher?
(The class was in uproar.)
Student : Is there anyone in the class who has ever seen the Professor’s brain?
(The class broke out into laughter. )
Student : Is there anyone here who has ever heard the Professor’s brain, felt it, touched or smelt it? No one appears to have done so. So, according to the established Rules of Empirical, Stable, Demonstrable Protocol, Science says that you have no brain, sir. With all due respect, sir, how do we then trust your lectures, sir?
(The room was silent. The Professor stared at the student, his face unfathomable.)
Professor: I guess you’ll have to take them on faith, son.
Student : That is it sir … Exactly ! The link between man & GOD is FAITH. That is all that keeps things alive and moving.
P.S.
I believe you have enjoyed the conversation. And if so, you’ll probably want your friends / colleagues to enjoy the same, won’t you?
Forward this to increase their knowledge … or FAITH.
By the way, that student was EINSTEIN.
Wednesday, April 4, 2012
This song is amazing
"Soldier"
La da da da da da, la da da da da [x2]
Where did all the people go?
They got scared when the lights went low.
I'll get you through it nice and slow,
When the world's spinning out of control.
Afraid of what they might lose
Might get scraped or they might get bruised.
You could beg them, what's the use?
That's why it's called a moment of truth
I'll get it if you need it,
I'll search if you don't see it,
You're thirsty, I'll be rain,
You get hurt, I'll take your pain.
I know you don't believe it,
But I said it and I still mean it,
When you heard what I told you,
When you get worried I'll be your soldier.
Funny when times get hard,
At the last moment when you're supposed to charge,
Always on the longest yard,
Oh, they feel their feet getting cold.
Hiding here, hiding there,
Find them underneath the stairs,
People hiding everywhere,
Trying to be still like a stone.
I'll get it if you need it,
I'll search if you can't see it,
You're thirsty, I'll be rain,
You get hurt, I'll take your pain.
I know you don't believe it,
But I said it and I still mean it,
When you heard what I told you,
When you get worried I'll be your soldier.
My aim is so true,
I wanna show you,
I'll try forever,
I'm never gonna say "surrender".
I'll get it if you need it,
I'll search if you can't see it,
You're thirsty, I'll be rain,
You get hurt, I'll take your pain.
I know you don't believe it,
But I said it and I still mean it,
When you heard what I told you,
When you get worried I'll be your soldier.
I'll be your soldier
Well I'll be, oh I'll be your soldier
I'll be your soldier
I'll be your soldier
Where did all the people go?
They got scared when the lights went low.
I'll get you through it nice and slow,
When the world's spinning out of control.
Afraid of what they might lose
Might get scraped or they might get bruised.
You could beg them, what's the use?
That's why it's called a moment of truth
I'll get it if you need it,
I'll search if you don't see it,
You're thirsty, I'll be rain,
You get hurt, I'll take your pain.
I know you don't believe it,
But I said it and I still mean it,
When you heard what I told you,
When you get worried I'll be your soldier.
Funny when times get hard,
At the last moment when you're supposed to charge,
Always on the longest yard,
Oh, they feel their feet getting cold.
Hiding here, hiding there,
Find them underneath the stairs,
People hiding everywhere,
Trying to be still like a stone.
I'll get it if you need it,
I'll search if you can't see it,
You're thirsty, I'll be rain,
You get hurt, I'll take your pain.
I know you don't believe it,
But I said it and I still mean it,
When you heard what I told you,
When you get worried I'll be your soldier.
My aim is so true,
I wanna show you,
I'll try forever,
I'm never gonna say "surrender".
I'll get it if you need it,
I'll search if you can't see it,
You're thirsty, I'll be rain,
You get hurt, I'll take your pain.
I know you don't believe it,
But I said it and I still mean it,
When you heard what I told you,
When you get worried I'll be your soldier.
I'll be your soldier
Well I'll be, oh I'll be your soldier
I'll be your soldier
I'll be your soldier
Google it!
Sunday, January 15, 2012
Random thoughts
So I was thinking yesterday that I absolutely love my friends. I have two groups of friends. Ones that have been my friends since I was a kid... or ones that have met me in the recent years and have decided that although I am a tad crazy at times that my positives out-weight my negatives.
I am completely aware of the fact that people either love me or hate me. There really is no in between. I speak what's on my mind, even when sometimes I should shut my mouth because what falls out hurts someone's feelings, and most of the time my filter is malfunctioning or completely out of service. I'm a bitch. That's ok with me. If being a bitch means that I say what I mean, I don't mind being the bad guy when needed, and I will threaten the life of anyone who touches, talks about, or looks wrong at my family or friends. I am loyal, honest when it matters (let's be honest... everyone lies), and I find myself absolutely hilarious. Would I be friends with me? Hell yeah!
Praising myself or spilling my flaws is not the point of this blog. The point is that I absolutely adore my friends. I love that I have friends that will tell me its ok to eat four eggs (scrambled with veggies, cheese, and meat) at midnight as long as I finish the entire plate... "Waste not want not", or as soon as I tweet or FB that I'm pissed they all jump asking "Who do we need to kill?", "What did those bitches do?", or "What's the matter?". Always there.
I love that although 2011 was not the best year (between cars breaking, bills, moving, and just high emotions at times - I DON'T like emotions...) I laughed until I cried, I said stupid things, I smiled until my cheeks hurt, and I got to do things and meet people I never would have otherwise gotten to meet.
So... on that note... Thanks to all those who helped make a semi-crap year fan-freakin-tastic. Hopefully 2012 will be even better.
Signing out...
Crumbles!
I am completely aware of the fact that people either love me or hate me. There really is no in between. I speak what's on my mind, even when sometimes I should shut my mouth because what falls out hurts someone's feelings, and most of the time my filter is malfunctioning or completely out of service. I'm a bitch. That's ok with me. If being a bitch means that I say what I mean, I don't mind being the bad guy when needed, and I will threaten the life of anyone who touches, talks about, or looks wrong at my family or friends. I am loyal, honest when it matters (let's be honest... everyone lies), and I find myself absolutely hilarious. Would I be friends with me? Hell yeah!
Praising myself or spilling my flaws is not the point of this blog. The point is that I absolutely adore my friends. I love that I have friends that will tell me its ok to eat four eggs (scrambled with veggies, cheese, and meat) at midnight as long as I finish the entire plate... "Waste not want not", or as soon as I tweet or FB that I'm pissed they all jump asking "Who do we need to kill?", "What did those bitches do?", or "What's the matter?". Always there.
I love that although 2011 was not the best year (between cars breaking, bills, moving, and just high emotions at times - I DON'T like emotions...) I laughed until I cried, I said stupid things, I smiled until my cheeks hurt, and I got to do things and meet people I never would have otherwise gotten to meet.
So... on that note... Thanks to all those who helped make a semi-crap year fan-freakin-tastic. Hopefully 2012 will be even better.
Signing out...
Crumbles!
Saturday, January 14, 2012
Top 5 of 2011
2011 was not the best year... but it was ok.
Top 5 Favorite Moments
1. Michael Phelps tweeting me Happy Birthday. (Hell... yeah!)
2. Sam coming to visit in Florida for a couple days. I've never laughed more.
3. SBL weekend in Michigan
4. Trips to Asheville!
5. Crumbles... the ultimate new nickname. (And Crumbly)
Top 5 Bands/Artists I fell in love with
1. Jordan Jansen (he's 13... in love with his music... not him. You weirdos!)
2. Ed Sheeran
3. Jana Kramer
4. Adele
5. Justin Bieber (I'm a little late, but that kid is talented! Love the Biebs!)
Top 5 Shows (New)
1. Revenge
2. New Girl
3. The Secret Circle
4. Swamp People (because this is the single greatest show ever to exist!)
5. Nail Files (Katie is hilarious!)
Top 5 Celebs added to my 'Fuckit List'
1. Chris Hemsworth
2. Jensen Ackles - The dude was hot before, but damn!
3. Tom Felton - I know he's been around, but I just noticed how gorgeous this man is!
4. Ben Bass - Before you judge me on this... watch Rookie Blue.
5. Aaron Carter - Don't ask...
Top 5 Movies (In no particular order)
1. Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, Part 2
2. Breaking Dawn, Part 1
3. Transformers: Dark of the Moon
4. The Help
5. Water for Elephants
Top 5 Books (that I read in 2011)
1. Lovely Shadows by Kendra Kilbourn
2. Catch Me by Lisa Gardner
3. Love You More by Lisa Gardner
4. The Hunger Games series (all 3 books)
5. Along for the Ride by Sarah Dessen
Top 5 Favorite Moments
1. Michael Phelps tweeting me Happy Birthday. (Hell... yeah!)
2. Sam coming to visit in Florida for a couple days. I've never laughed more.
3. SBL weekend in Michigan
4. Trips to Asheville!
5. Crumbles... the ultimate new nickname. (And Crumbly)
Top 5 Bands/Artists I fell in love with
1. Jordan Jansen (he's 13... in love with his music... not him. You weirdos!)
2. Ed Sheeran
3. Jana Kramer
4. Adele
5. Justin Bieber (I'm a little late, but that kid is talented! Love the Biebs!)
Top 5 Shows (New)
1. Revenge
2. New Girl
3. The Secret Circle
4. Swamp People (because this is the single greatest show ever to exist!)
5. Nail Files (Katie is hilarious!)
Top 5 Celebs added to my 'Fuckit List'
1. Chris Hemsworth
2. Jensen Ackles - The dude was hot before, but damn!
3. Tom Felton - I know he's been around, but I just noticed how gorgeous this man is!
4. Ben Bass - Before you judge me on this... watch Rookie Blue.
5. Aaron Carter - Don't ask...
Top 5 Movies (In no particular order)
1. Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, Part 2
2. Breaking Dawn, Part 1
3. Transformers: Dark of the Moon
4. The Help
5. Water for Elephants
Top 5 Books (that I read in 2011)
1. Lovely Shadows by Kendra Kilbourn
2. Catch Me by Lisa Gardner
3. Love You More by Lisa Gardner
4. The Hunger Games series (all 3 books)
5. Along for the Ride by Sarah Dessen
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
5 DEADLY TERMS USED BY A WOMAN
(1) FINE -this is the word women use to end an... argument when they know they are RIGHT & YOU need to SHUT UP.
(2) NOTHING -means SOMETHING & u need to be WORRIED
(3) GO AHEAD -this is a dare, NOT permission DO NOT DO IT.
(4) WHATEVER -is a woman's way of saying F*YOU.
(5) THAT'S OK -she is thinking long & hard on HOW & WHEN you will pay for your mistake
Sunday, July 17, 2011
Success: How Is It Measured?
At age 4, success if....... not peeing your pants.
At age 12, success is.....having friends.
At age 17, success is.....having a drivers license.
At age 20, success is.....having sex.
At age 35, success is.....having money.
At age 50, success is.....having money.
At age 60, success is.....having sex.
At age 70, success is.....having a drivers license.
At age 75, success is.....having friends.
At age 80, success is.....not peeing in your pants.
Oh how the tables reverse....
At age 12, success is.....having friends.
At age 17, success is.....having a drivers license.
At age 20, success is.....having sex.
At age 35, success is.....having money.
At age 50, success is.....having money.
At age 60, success is.....having sex.
At age 70, success is.....having a drivers license.
At age 75, success is.....having friends.
At age 80, success is.....not peeing in your pants.
Oh how the tables reverse....
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